Anatomy of a Divorce
by Literature Rogue
Summary: The divorce papers had been signed. The separation was going to be official in a few days' time. But Meredith Grey is having one of those 'bad day' feelings again. And when Meredith Grey has a feeling it's generally right. Post Staring at the Sun.
1. Chapter 1: Breaking the Girl

The divorce papers had been signed. The separation was going to be official in a few days time. The papers were just being processed by the court. Or whatever handled divorces. Meredith just had to keep telling herself that. Derek chose her. He might have chosen her _after_ choosing Addison. But Meredith was convinced that he was only trying to save the marriage to do the right thing. He was trying to be a better man. Even though Derek had chosen Addison he wanted her. He wanted Meredith. Which was exactly why the entire prom incident had happened.

The prom incident. Meredith shook her head forcefully, twirling the straw of her milkshake about absently. Doctor Grey was positioned at one of the nurse's stations, working on case files for Bailey. She had the sneaking suspicion her Resident wasn't exactly over the fact that she had slept with Derek. She also thought that maybe Bailey thought, like many others, that Meredith was the single reason for the divorce. Meredith wasn't stupid. She had ears. Her eyes followed a pair of scrub nurses hurrying towards the OR. They were whispering, about her she knew, probably about how the dirty mistress broke up a happy marriage.

But no one knew the true story. No one knew what had really happened. The Shepherds had had problems far before Meredith had come into the picture. She had cheated on him. Then he had cheated on her. It was a cycle, like a carousel. Meredith shivered slightly. Carousels weren't exactly the best image for her. Carousels freaked her out. They held some pretty bad memories. Well, one memory in particular.

"Hey," Meredith murmured easily following Cristina's path as she made a sharp turn and headed for the stairs. "What're you up to?"

"Burke's got a baby with its heart growing outside of its body." She gave a dull chuckle at her friend's excited tone. "But the heart's damaged. He's got to operate on the organ and get it back inside. Should be good." Cristina was at the top of the stairs by this point, yelling down so the entire floor could hear her.

"Seriously?"

"Seriously."

Cristina disappeared around the corner and Meredith was forced back to her paperwork, and the nagging voice in her head asking her where exactly Derek was. Grey sucked hard on her milkshake, gaze wandering the surgical floor. She needed to ask someone what procedure Shepherd was performing. But everyone was on duty. George was with Shepherd. Cristina was with Burke. Alex...was with Satan -er _Addison_. Izzie was somewhere having therapy or something. And she was stuck here filling out post-op forms. What a lucky, lucky intern.

Meredith heaved a long sigh, surprised to have it echoed by someone who she supposed was having an equally bad day. Not that Meredith's day had been terrible. She just had a feeling that today was going to be bad. And when Meredith Grey had a feeling it was normally right. Not looking up from her quick scribbling of a patient's mother's maiden name she spoke in a dull tone. "Mark," she tried to ignore the lump forming in her throat as she talked, "What are you doing?"

"Wishing I had a surgery scheduled," he answered casually, leaning his weight against the desk. "What, your Resident got you on chart duty?" Mark shook his head in despair. "What, is this national We-Hate-Dirty-Mistresses Day and everyone forgot to tell us?" Meredith laughed lightly. As soon as she had she wished she hadn't. McSteamy was shooting her that grin of his, the sexy, seductive grin.

"I wouldn't be surprised," she murmured, tapping her pen against her clipboard. "Bailey thinks I ruined the Shepherds' marriage." Mark tilted his head slightly to the side and draped his arms over the counter top.

"_I _ruined the Shepherds' marriage," he insisted staring her straight in the eye. Meredith simply shrugged lightly, signaling she knew this. Mark gave a small smile. "Look, Grey, I don't generally help interns out. I think the sucking up really helps mold you into great surgeons. But I also believe us dirty mistresses gotta stick together." God, Meredith hated it when he looked at her. No, she didn't. She just hated the way it felt like he was looking through her, into her. Mark was the one person she thought might be able to understand her for who she was. She thought maybe, with him around, she wasn't the only Dark and Twisty one in the hospital. "So, if you want I could tell Bailey to lay off. After all, I outrank her."

Meredith looked thoughtful for a moment. Allowing her gaze to drift back to the oh-so-interesting forms she was filling out she placed her pen between her teeth, thinking. Moving it to scribble something down (date of birth) she gave a short nod. "Yeah, I'd like that."

Mark flashed her that grin again, that seductive grin. The McGrin, she thought she'd call it. Meredith moved back on her wheeled office chair and frowned in his direction. "You are _not_ hitting on me. You're not." She stood and moved to file the papers she had just completed and a nurse dropped a new stack in front of her chair. Meredith gave a low groan before flopping back into the seat and tapping her pen to the desktop. "The sooner you talk to Bailey the better."

"You know she might not listen to me," he murmured with a sigh. "I don't think Doctor Bailey likes me very much." Mark paused, a playful gleam in his eyes. "In fact, I think you're about the only person in this entire hospital that can even tolerate me." Meredith palmed her head in silence. True, Mark Sloan might have outranked Miranda Bailey, but Bailey didn't take crap from anyone, not even Attendings. The fact that Doctor Bailey seemed to be in on national We-Hate-Dirty-Mistresses Day only made the chance of getting out of post-op duty slimmer.

"Yeah," Meredith muttered, beginning to flip through files. She was clearly distracted. Who wouldn't be with a hot, sexy man just standing in front of you, watching you work. It was more then slightly distracting even if she didn't want him within ten feet of her. And Meredith did _not_ want Mark Sloan within ten feet of her. Twenty even. But she would admit it was very distracting.

He was staring at her. Even though Meredith was busy writing away on her forms she just had that feeling that someone was staring at her. She also had that tingling, hairs-on-the-back-of-your-neck-stand-on-end sort of feeling teenage girls got in high school when the hot guy was staring at you from across the classroom. She paused her work to think, tapping her pen against the desk in an attempt to keep herself occupied. If Meredith wasn't occupied she might look at Mark. If she looked at Mark he might offer to buy her a drink later. If Mark offered to buy her a drink later and she accepted Meredith had not doubt in her mind that she would end up naked in bed with him.

And Meredith didn't need that. Like Alex had said, 'she gets drunk and sleeps with inappropriate men'. It's her thing. But after today it wouldn't be her thing anymore. After today she and Derek would be together and happy for the first time since Addison had showed up. She was daydreaming and Mark was taking advantage of her current lack of attention. He was staring at her, admiring her, and cursing under his breath. He and Derek always did have the same taste in women. But it would probably be stupid to make the same mistake twice even if Meredith was currently only Derek's dirty mistress.

A shrill beeping sound tore both surgeons from their thoughts. Meredith's gaze drifted to Mark, who was staring at his pager with his eyebrows arched. Clipping it back to his jacket the plastic surgeon turned to leave. Meredith gave a relieved sigh though she couldn't help but wonder what that odd, wistful sensation in the back of her mind meant. Upon reaching the stairs Mark cast a lazy glance over his shoulder and nodded in Meredith's direction. "I've got a facial reconstruction in twenty. I'll need an intern. Know anybody...?"

Meredith gave a short sigh, tapping her lips with her pen as if in thought. "George, Alex, and Cristina are all busy," she paused moving to dump her unfinished patient forms into the 'in' slot. "But I know someone who might be interested..."

GA

Plastics might not have been at the top of Meredith Grey's 'must see' list but she had to admit the view was good. And she wasn't necessarily interested in the view of the surgery, either. In all honesty, if Meredith really wanted a good view of the surgery she would have been better off in the gallery. In the packed OR where scrub nurses, a few scattered residents, the anaesthesiologist, a bemused intern, and oh, right, the actual plastic surgeon were crammed, it was hard to get a clear view of anything. It was all better for Meredith, though. Everyone else was distracted by Doctor Sloan's brilliant work. She could stare at his ass as long as she wanted without anyone questioning her about it.

Mark _did_ have a nice ass. The low murmur of a 'beep' rang out in the operating room, pulling Meredith from her daydream. Mark flung his scrub cap on the floor as he slipped out of the room, leaving the rest to clean up his mess. Meredith's gaze moved from the now dead patient lying on the table to Mark through the window, washing his hands. Turning to one of the nurses the intern pulled her mask off and spoke. "What happened?"

"Patient was prone to blood clots. It's probably been there for months." Meredith stared. "There was nothing Doctor Sloan could do..." She turned her attention back to the scrub room. Mark was gone. Quickly exiting the OR and dropping unneeded surgical clothing Meredith scrubbed her hands and left the room without drying them. She knew it was hard to lose a patient. She also had a feeling, you know one of Meredith Grey's special feelings, that Mark wasn't having the best day. A patient death probably wasn't helping.

Wiping her hands absently on her scrubs Meredith began searching the hallways. This hospital was big, but there were generally only three places people tended to hide here: the bathroom, the on-call room, or a supply closet. Her gaze shifted to the hallway around her. There was a men's restroom down a ways, but she didn't exactly want to waltz right in there to find Mark Sloan. Who knew? Maybe the chief would be in there. _That_ would be embarrassing. Letting her eyes wander Meredith came face to face with an on-call room. She moved to open it but her hand recoiled upon hearing a voice inside. It was a very familiar voice.

"God, my life is so screwed up right now." Meredith pulled at the doorknob but as she turned it stopped dead in her tracks. Another voice was answering.

"I know, Derek..." Meredith's throat clenched. What the hell was going on in there? "But maybe you're making a mistake. Maybe _we're_ making a mistake. I mean..."

"Maybe the divorce isn't such a good idea." Meredith dropped the doorknob. She didn't need to open the door to know what she'd find behind it. The first voice belonged to Derek. She'd know that voice anywhere. The second voice she thought belonged to Addison, which didn't make the situation any easier, especially since the sound of pleasured laughs and groans was coming through the door.

First her dog died. She lost her McDog. Now she was losing her McDreamy. Meredith was losing her entire McLife! She slid down the wall alongside the on-call room's door and buried her head in her hands. Here she had thought things were looking up, and then she has to get one of those feelings again. It might not have been so hard to take if she hadn't known something like this was going to happen. The damn feeling had assured her that today was not going to be a good day.

"Slutty intern?" Correction, today was a terrible day. She looked up through watery, puffy eyes. Mark was hovering above her, head titled to the side. "What's up? You look like a train hit you or something." He gave a short laugh. She could tell it was forced. Meredith's eyes must have darted to the door and back to the ground quickly, because Mark's gaze fell upon the on-call room. "Oh, God. Did you walk in on the chief and Adele again?" She wished she would have been able to stop him, but even as she opened her mouth to protest Mark yanked the door open and Meredith assumed he found exactly what she had expected. The guy she loved was sleeping with the girl Mark loved. What a pretty picture.

"Addie?"

"...Mark?"

"Mark?" Came Derek's muffled voice. Then, "_Meredith_? Damn."

"I'm just gonna go..." Meredith mumbled, scrambling to her feet and walking in the opposite direction of the on-call room so she wouldn't have to pass the open door. Once she rounded the corner she broke into a sprint. Where was Cristina when she needed her? Where was George? And Izzie? They were all busy having lives. Meredith reached the elevator and took comfort in the fact that it was closing. She leaned her forehead against the cool metal wall, glad to be alone.

Suddenly the elevator lurched. Meredith squinted out at the world through closed eyes. The elevator had stopped. She blinked, pushing off from the wall on the prospect of moving toward the keypad and jamming the alarm button. She took one step and stopped, now eye to eye with Mark Sloan. Meredith bit back a sigh. "Mark," she stated dully, "If you think you're getting any in an elevator think again. That's Derek's thing anyway..."

He was staring at her. Why was he staring at her? She probably looked like she'd been through a train wreck. No, Meredith Grey looked like the love of her life had just cheated on her with the wife he was supposedly divorcing. Mark Sloan didn't look much better. She supposed they were in the same elevator, literally and figuratively. They were in the currently stopped elevator and they both had the people they loved cheat on them for their supposedly ex-spouses. "I wasn't planning on giving any to you, Grey. I just needed to get away from them before I beat Derek's face in." His voice was hollow, indifferent.

"Yeah," Meredith answered with a heavy sigh. "I wouldn't mind accidentally dropping a scalpel and slicing Addison's million dollar a year hand, either." She caught Mark's gaze. She'd made him smile, a small smile but a smile none the less. She glanced away, examining a poster on the wall and biting her lip lightly. "Sorry. I know you loved her."

"Don't be. Us dirty mistresses gotta stick together." Mark leaned in, tipping her chin back and pressing his lips forcefully to hers. Meredith lost her balance in surprise, now backed against the wall. Mark pulled back, a question poised in his eyes. She grabbed the collar of his shirt and pulled him in, kissing him hard and powerful. He ran his hands through her hair, along her back, then up her arm and traced her jaw line. Mark placed a series of heated kisses along her neck, moving up and meeting her lips.

He switched positions with her, moving his body sideways so he was against the wall, and she was in front of him. She pulled at his shirt, but he was too busy running his hands over every bit of Meredith he could get at. After another deep kiss they pulled back, staring into each other's eyes and breathing hard. A few minutes had passed without a word being said. There was only touching and kissing, only jealousy-driven passion. Their eyes met in harmonious agreement. Both Mark and Meredith had needed that. Neither seemed to care of the consequences that might arise from this situation.

Suddenly the elevator doors flew open. Meredith and Mark were at opposite sides of the car in an instant, she messing with her hair and he moving forward. Cristina blew by him and leaned against the wall opposite Meredith as Sloan exited the elevator. She couldn't help but notice the lingering gaze he shared with Meredith. "Doctor Grey," he murmured gruffly, adjusting his lab coat.

"Doctor Sloan," she returned in a slightly high-pitched voice. Cristina stared from one to the other until the doors finally slammed shut.

"So, getting the dirt on McDreamy from his ex-best friend? Sneaky, Meredith."

"No," she returned with an exasperated sigh. "I'm over Derek. And I made out with McSteamy."

A pause.

"Seriously?"

"Seriously."

* * *

**Rogue: There you have it, folks. A little bit of MerMark goodness.**

Oh, and I forgot this before.

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of its lovely characters. If I did Denny would be alive, McDreamy's divorce would be final already, Mark and Meredith would have done a little something during the last episode, Alex would find a steady girl, and I would be a happy person. **


	2. Chapter 2: Break Your Heart

**Rogue: Well, here's another chapter. And as a side note, each chapter will be named after a song, just like the episodes of Grey's were named during the first and seconds seasons. The first chapter was named after the Red Hot Chili Peppers' Breaking the Girl. This one is called Break Your Heart after Get Set Go's song. **

**DISCLAIMER: I still don't own Grey's Anatomy or any of the characters. If I owned these characters they would probably be seen less on TV and more in my closet.

* * *

**

She lied. But that wasn't the worst part about it. Meredith had lied to Cristina, her best friend, about being over Derek Shepherd. She was most certainly not over Derek Shepherd. After-make out adrenaline made you say and do things you wouldn't normally say or do. It was like a high, an after-make out high. It actually kind of reminded her of the after-surgery high. But this high was amplified at least ten times to what a surgery high was. Meredith Grey was officially messing around with her ex's ex-best friend to get back at him. And that same ex-best friend slept with her ex's wife who was supposedly his soon-to-be-ex-wife until this afternoon when the two had been caught sleeping together in the on-call room by none other then the best friend and Derek's own dirty mistress. 

Meredith heaved a sigh. Her life was officially insane. She would be surprised if any one of the four of them, the Shepherds, Mark, or herself, would be able to live healthy adult lives without therapy. But then she supposed none of them had ever really led a healthy life anyway. This just seemed to be the icing on the cake for the dysfunctional love square. It was official now. Everyone in the quartet had slept around with everyone else. Except Derek sleeping with Mark and Meredith getting into Satan's pants. But they all knew that wasn't going to happen anytime soon no matter how much the female interns would pay to see the two McSexy men naked together.

She sat in the locker room flinging her scrubs into her locker. Meredith was trying to sift through her thoughts, but they were too jumbled to make out. She figured the simple confusion of the Grey-Shepherd-Shepherd-Sloan love square had gotten to her. A few shots of tequila and that confusion would be gone. She heard the door swing open and the mix of curious chattering from behind a row of lockers. Meredith sighed heavily before slamming her own locker shut. "If you two want details why don't you just ask?"

Izzie appeared, being partially dragged by Cristina. They exchanged glances before staring back at Meredith expectantly. "So...was he as good as Shepherd?" Izzie elbowed Cristina in the stomach to silence her, but was having trouble masking her own playful grin. The former Doctor Model flopped down on the bench alongside Meredith and gave what she hoped was a soothing pat on the shoulder. She then wrapped an arm around Meredith's shoulders and pulled her closer, a smirk upon her face.

"Was Sloan good? He looks like he would be...good." Izzie was wearing one of her truly amused smiles. Meredith hadn't seen that in a while. Who was she to deny Izzie information that would make her true smile grow? Besides, she was dying inside to dish the latest dirt about her newest fling...Mark _was_ a fling to get over Derek. Nothing more. In fact, she was sure Mark felt the same way about her. She was just someone to get over Addison with. Right?

"I didn't do anything wrong," Meredith insisted, ducking out of Izzie's tightening headlock and tilting her head to the side. "We'd both just seen the people we loved doing it. How were we supposed to respond?" Cristina leaned back against the lockers and closed her eyes.

"Oh, yeah, Mere, pity sex is _exactly_ the way for a guy to get over his lover."

"It wasn't pity sex!"

Cristina shot Izzie a victorious glance. "So you admit there was sex?" Meredith's jaw dropped as she stared at Izzie.

"No. No! You- you tricked me," she pouted, crossing her arms and turning away from the pair of them. There was muffled chattering behind her but Meredith didn't bother looking. She simply did up her shoelaces and stood to leave, noticing both Cristina and Izzie had disappeared. There was probably some hotter hospital gossip going around, maybe the bit about the soon-to-be-divorced-but-still-married couple having hot sex in the on-call room. That was certainly much more exciting then an intern and an Attending making out in the elevator. After all, it had happened before. It was old news, but with a new guy.

Meredith shouldered her bag and turned to the door only to find Cristina and Izzie standing in front of it defiantly. "What are you-"

"Save it, Grey," Cristina hissed latching onto one of her arms. "You're Meredith Grey, _the_ dirty mistress, _the_ slutty intern!" She lowered her voice slightly as if just now realizing there might be other people hiding in the dark corners of the locker room. "Izzie and I both know you've got something to tell. So tell!" By this point Cristina had Meredith by the shoulders and was shaking her forcefully. Izzie gave a hacking cough that sounded suspiciously like 'sex deprived'. Cristina and Burke were _not_ fighting. They were...taking some time off is all.

Izzie somehow managed to slip between the two and pry Cristina away. Putting on her true-smile once again almost made Meredith sigh in annoyance but she caught herself; her own problems were not worth damaging a particularly fragile girl's spirit. "Come on, Meredith. We'll go to Joe's, have a few drinks, and you can tell us all about it. Okay?" Meredith didn't have much of a choice with Izzie latching onto her arm and steering her out the door. Cristina followed behind a few steps. "I'll even buy you a drink if you give juicy details..."

GA

The interns had counted on a night out at the bar across the street, sharing secrets, having group therapy sessions, and maybe doing and saying some things they wouldn't normally say while sober. That was just the fun of alcohol, was it not? What they hadn't banked on a certain great hair, pouty lipped, dreamy sort of Attending to be there. They also didn't think if McDreamy _did_ have the skin to show up in public that night that he would bring his wife with him. Or his soon-to-be-ex-wife. Whatever. Love squares were very complicated.

"Come on, you guys. One more round?" Izzie and Cristina had been hoping for details of hot sex or whatever the hell Meredith had been doing with Sloan in the elevator. They didn't plan on sitting at the bar, back to Doctor McDreamy and his accomplice, the Ruler of All Things Evil, playing shot-for-shot with Meredith. The two shared glances. Izzie looked faintly green. Cristina simply looked pissed off.

"You go. I gotta pee." With that Cristina vanished leaving Izzie with a highly vulnerable Meredith. She stared at the shot glass in front of her, filled with some concoction Meredith had ordered from Joe earlier and said to keep 'em coming. It was now two hours later, and the 'keep 'em coming' call hadn't stopped yet. Meredith threw her head back and downed one more, licking her lips to savor the flavor. Izzie vaguely wondered how anyone could even taste the booze by now. For her, the joy of this game had left an hour ago. Then again Meredith had consumed at least .5 times more alcohol then Izzie had. The drunkenness probably had something to do with her girlish laughter and complete obliviousness to all things around her.

But Izzie thought that was probably a good thing. After all, the McMarried couple were over there laughing and sharing everything from kisses and the same bottle of liquor to something under the table that made Izzie thankful that she couldn't see what the hell was going on. She didn't quite think she wanted to have an orgasm in the middle of a bar, let alone have one because of the McDreamies hot sex under the table. So she tilted her head back and bit back her deteriorating sobriety just to keep Meredith occupied. If Grey did happen to catch sight of Derek there was no doubt something very messy could happen.

"Ha, Izzie," Meredith murmured. "You look horrible." Izzie didn't have the heart to tell her that she looked just as bad, if not worse, then she did. Not that she really had much of a chance to mention anything. The two were seated at their corner of the bar with various empty shot glasses littering the area. When a bottle of beer slid across the bar, passed them, and stopped just on the other side of Meredith Izzie let her gaze wander to its owner. Meredith was too busy draining another shot to notice, but Derek Shepherd had just appeared in front of the barstool on the other side of Meredith. He was wearing that stupid grin of his, that sexy, seductive grin, and the fact that he was drunk probably didn't help the already delicate situation.

"Is this seat taken?" Meredith nearly jumped at the question. That voice was very familiar, but when she turned to look at the speaker it was as if she was looking at him for the first time. Even messy his hair looked absolutely perfect, his pursed lips were taunting her from above, and his eyes were glimmering with a faintly mischievous glint. She cocked her head slightly to the side, slamming her glass onto the table before shrugging in response.

"It's not taken if you'll buy me a drink." Derek chuckled lightly before flopping down next to her and ordering her a tall glass of tequila, just the way she liked it. Meredith smiled dreamily, stirring the drink with her finger. He mirrored her smile and for some reason she couldn't quite remember her heart sped up. Izzie's voice interrupted their moment from far away.

"Uh, Meredith?" She turned, staring quizzically at her friend.

"What? Don't you see the hot man sitting next to me? I'm in the middle of something, Iz."

"Mere, you and Shepherd aren't exactly together anymore, remember?" Izzie hissed behind her hand. Meredith simply gave a high-pitched laugh and waved her off.

"Well he's here with me, isn't he?"

The clearing of a throat broke up what would've broken into an all out bar fight if Meredith didn't understand Izzie's point in the next five seconds. "Excuse me, Doctor Stevens, but would you mind if I talk to Meredith for a minute?" Derek was sporting his stupid grin again and Izzie could tell Meredith was shivering under his thoughtful gaze. Snatching another shot glass from the bar and downing it, Izzie stood up, heading in the general direction of the bathroom. Meredith was fairly certain she heard the word 'adultery' as Izzie faded from view. Then again she could very well have been hallucinating under the amount of alcohol she had consumed. There was always that possibility.

"So, what'd you want to talk to me about, Derek?" Meredith murmured slowly between sips of tequila. The large glass was drained in minutes much to her dismay. She pushed the glass away and began tracing a circle along the top of an empty shot glass, waiting for Joe to swing by and refill it.

"Ah, well," he eyed her cautiously, sipping from his beer as she broke into hysterical giggles. When she calmed down Derek pushed his own drink away and turned to stare at her. Meredith was staring into his eyes slightly perplexed as to why he was conveniently staring over her left shoulder. No matter, though. It was all the better for Meredith. She could stare into his eyes counting all the different shades of bluish gray were in his eyes without his thinking she was a stalker. Which she totally wasn't. "Meredith, we need to talk."

Oh, God. Almost instantly she snapped out of her drunk chic attitude and focused in on Derek's words rather then his dreamy eyes or nonexistent smile. Those four little words were the last thing anyone in a relationship wanted to hear. Nine times out of ten it meant the relationship was ending. The tenth time it meant the guy had cancer and was dying tomorrow. It was a general rule, started in high school, that if you were going to break up with someone you always opened with 'we need to talk'. Meredith secretly hoped in the back of her mind that Derek had a fatal cancer. She _really_ didn't think she could handle being dumped right now. "Okay..."

"I slept with Addison today." Well, duh. Meredith knew that. She was fairly certain the entire surgical floor, if not the entire hospital, was aware that the Shepherds' might be repairing their marriage. Meredith still had hope that he was just getting it out of his system before the divorce became official, but that hope was slowly fading with every passing moment in this bar. "And...Well, I didn't _not_ like it." Great, apparently Derek Shepherd still enjoyed sex with his wife. This was the perfect end to a day from hell.

"And we were together for eleven years...It seems kind of stupid to throw that all away just because of one little thing." Meredith felt her jaw drop. She had to use her hand to close her hanging chin and took a large gulp of a shot left by Cristina to calm herself enough to speak.

"One little thing? Derek, she _cheated_ on you!" His eyes were thoughtful, dancing with a glint she knew all too well. What was that glint? Admiration? Happiness? Longing, maybe?

"I cheated on her, too. We're square." Funny he should mention squares...Meredith had half a mind to tell him she was fooling around with Sloan but she thought Derek, who was sipping casually at his beer as if the two of them were having a friendly conversation about the weather, might end up putting Mark in the hospital for a month. He might even kill him. And then she wouldn't have anyone to relieve the pain with.

Oh, God. She did _not_ just think that. Did she? "What...what are you saying Derek?"

"Addie called the attorneys. The divorce has been postponed." She stared blankly at him. He stared steadily back. "We're trying to work things out, Meredith. Wedding vows don't say it with all that in sickness and in health crap, but a line should be added that says 'in adultery and in cheating' because sometimes, when your marriage gets boring enough or nonexistent enough that's what happens." Meredith shook her head slowly. Derek sighed and continued, "It's partially my fault that she did it. I mean, I wasn't around..."

"That's no excuse for what she did, Derek!"

She noticed that Derek didn't respond. Normally he would've snapped back instantly, as was common when they did fight. Not that they fought often, but when they did it was in quick short bursts. Then, usually they'd have a hot make out session and they'd be fine. It was 'kiss and make up' literally. He was staring blankly over her shoulder again, though this time his annoyingly adorable smile was set upon his face. Meredith wondered why for about 3.5 seconds before a voice drifted over her head. "Oh, are you talking about me?" Addison. Correction, _this_ was the perfect end to a day from hell.

"Addie," Derek murmured in a fake irritated voice. "I didn't come waltzing over when you were talking to-" he trailed off, hiccupping slightly, "-Mark did I?" Mark? Mark was here? Meredith cast a glance over her shoulder. Sure enough, McSteamy was sitting three feet down the bar guzzling whiskey by the bottle. Despite the fact that she was completely wasted she felt suddenly buzzed on depression and anger. Derek was leaving her for the wife he was supposed to be divorcing. Addison dumped the man she used to get back at Derek. This seriously was national We-Hate-Dirty-Mistresses Day, wasn't it?

"Come on, Derek," Addison cooed distractedly. "Let's go home. Please?" The scratching high note she had used just then was enough to make Meredith stand up, hands balled into fists at her side. What she wouldn't give to be able to punch Derek Shepherd in the face right now. But as much as she hated to admit it she was definitely not over him. And she would never want to hurt him. Addison? That was a different story entirely. She was ready to pounce on her right now. But Derek stood, stretching his arms over his head before putting an arm around his wife.

"All right, Addie." He glanced around as if lost for a moment before his gaze fell upon Meredith. His eyes softened and Meredith inhaled sharply. Was there still a chance? "Sorry," Derek murmured, voice poisoned by pity. That was the last thing Meredith Grey needed right now. She didn't take to pity well, especially from the guy who had just dumped her.

"Don't." Derek looked utterly confused. Addie was giggling into his chest. This situation was getting insanely hard to bear. "Just don't. Say you're sorry. Because you're not. I can see it in your eyes." Both Derek and Addison turned away from each other to stare at her. She stood still, awaiting some sort of answer. She expected him to mutter a 'sorry' again and hurry out the door. He was digging in his pockets. A smirk appeared on his face.

"Grey, could you pick up the bill for our little talk? After all, I'm not sorry so I don't feel bad about this at all." With that Doctor McDreamy left the bar with his wife attached to his hip. Meredith stared after him with her mouth wide open. Angrily she dug in her own pockets for the money to pay for it, pissed when she found she was completely broke. A twenty-dollar bill suddenly appeared on the bar in front of her. She rotated her gaze to the left and came eye to eye with Mark.

Joe appeared in front of them and Mark spoke in a dry tone, "Paying for me, Grey, and the Shepherds' last drinks."

The bartender nodded sweeping the bill into his hands. "Nice that you two can still be friends after all that's happened." Mark didn't respond to that. He simply shook his head and shoved his hands into his pockets.

"It's pretty tacky for a doctor who makes two million dollars a year not to have enough money on him to pay for the drink he bought a guy before dropping him." Mark paused, eyeing Meredith up and down. "I'm guessing the He-Shepherd pulled the same trick on you?" He didn't really need to ask. He could see the same desperate longing look in her eyes that he knew was in his. "Come on. I only had a couple whiskeys. I'll drive you home."

Meredith probably would've fainted if she didn't have Mark to catch her when she fell sideways. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and led her to the door as she cried, burying her face into his jacket. "Don't worry about it, Grey. There's a lot of better-looking guys out there. You deserved better then him anyway..."

Cristina was sitting on the opposite end of the bar sipping casually from a bottle. Izzie appeared behind her looking very pale. She slumped beside Cristina and cast a lazy glance around. "Did Meredith go home with the Shepherds for a threesome or what?"

"No," Cristina murmured dully. "She went home with Sloan. Fifty says they have pity sex tonight."


	3. Chapter 3: I'm Sorry

**Rogue: Well, here you go. Beware all who enter, I am getting on a roll. Oh, and remember, drunk people say stupid things. That's all I'm going to say.**

**DISCLAIMER: I still don't own Grey's Anatomy or the characters. Yet. I'm placing a bid on eBay at this very moment. I'll let you know.

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Do you ever get the feeling that you slept on a hardwood floor? You know, when your neck feels all twisted and your back's stiff? And your heartbeat is throbbing in your head, you can't remember what you did last night or who with, but you know there probably wasn't rational thought involved? Did you ever wake up and find out that you _did_ sleep on a hardwood floor, you _did_ do irrational things, and besides that, you were totally hung-over? Meredith Grey was definitely having that exact feeling about now. And the worst part of the entire thing was, besides the fact that she was completely cold from the chilly wood pressing against her skin, was that the man who'd stolen all the blankets and was curled up next to her was someone she promised was just a fling. Generally flings were one-night stands. Generally you didn't wait for your one-night stand to wake up before going to work. 

Of course Mark was her ride to work today so she had a reason for staying. There wasn't really much of a reason for snatching half of the blanket and pulling it over her shivering form except for the fact that she had no idea where her shirt or jeans were. Or her bra. Or her underwear. But that was besides the point. She was sure Mark knew where they were. He just looked so peaceful, sleeping there with the blanket drawn up to his chin. Besides, Meredith didn't really feel like going to work anyway. If she didn't have a ride, and she couldn't get up to use the phone because she didn't know where it was and was naked, she couldn't go to work.

Mark gave a soft murmur, obviously still asleep. Meredith couldn't hide the smile playing across her lips. It was strange, she thought, that he looked so innocent about now. Where was the best friend who had destroyed the Shepherds' marriage? Oh, right, he hadn't really destroyed their marriage. She shook her head forcefully, trying to rid her thoughts of last night. Derek had seemed so...not Derek before.

Meredith had three conclusions about this. It could have been she was overreacting to what had happened. Maybe Derek was being a nice guy and she was just being her usual, emotional breakdown, Meredith Grey self. But she highly doubted that. Maybe in her drunkenness she'd amplified his actions. That was a definite possibility. She _did_ ingest a lot of alcohol last night. Lastly was that Derek was an asshole like everyone and their mother had been telling her from the beginning. Somehow, though, she was banking on one of the first two simply because she didn't think her judgement of men was that far off. Her gaze drifted to the man laying beside her. Or maybe her guy radar was that bad.

Mark was snoring. She chuckled lightly, hugging the blanket closer to her for warmth. Her guy radar might have been out of whack but from what she could remember of last night, and in all honesty she could only remember bits and pieces, the making out had been good. And Meredith hadn't had sex that hot since, well, since Derek. Which was probably why she enjoyed it so much. It was like Derek but not, it was dangerous and risky. They were risking career and social status here. But that was what made it so much fun.

Mark was mumbling. Whatever he was dreaming about must have been intense. His eyelids were flickering wildly, which kind of freaked her out. Meredith rolled over so her back was to him, resting her head on the floor and attempting to fall back asleep, though with the slightly nauseous feeling she had it was slightly hard to do. Again she felt the cold floor against her skin and shivered, wishing she was warmer. Her eyes snapped open when warmth suddenly hit her in the form of Mark Sloan's arms wrapped around her. Even though she was definitely warmer now, Meredith was shivering. His chin was resting on her shoulder, lips very close to her ear.

"Good morning, starshine. The sun says hello." His voice was soft, as if speaking too loudly would ruin the moment. Meredith had tensed at the sudden feeling of security, startled that anyone but Derek could make her feel so safe. But after a moment she relaxed against him, head resting in the crook of his neck.

"Morning," she murmured, voice raspy from lack of use. Meredith yawned widely, not bothering to speak as he began running one hand through her hair. She leaned back against him, amazed at how their bodies fit so well together. It was weird, she thought, that this just seemed to fit perfectly. Too perfectly. Mark had buried his face in her hair by this point and was massaging her shoulders. Meredith gave a reluctant groan to which he perked up, rolling overtop her so he was now lying with her on top of him.

"You smell like lavender," Mark commented with a playful grin. It was the McGrin exactly. Meredith had already been hooked by that. This was a variation of it, the playful McGrin with a side of McLaughter. Okay, the hangover was definitely taking over her thoughts now.

"I always smell like lavender," she replied easily pushing away the fact that Derek, too, noticed this fun fact about Meredith Grey. He didn't respond but simply began planting kisses at any bit of her that he could reach. Mark pressed his lips to her collarbone, all up her neck, one on each cheek. He then pulled back, noting the faint blush dusting her cheeks before pecking her on the forehead and then going in for the kill. He kissed her forcefully, passionately, and she answered back with the same intensity. Their lips were familiar territory now, and with Meredith's unspoken permission, Mark eased his tongue into her mouth, exploring her, tasting her, drinking her in. She gave a pleasured moan and when he pulled back, she put all of her weight into rolling over, so that he was on top of her.

"You smell like hospital," Meredith murmured, staring up at him as he nuzzled her cheek lightly with his own. She pushed him away with mock irritation before beginning to trace light circles along his abs, up his chest, and then tracing his chin. Mark arched an eyebrow in question and she responded with her own deep kiss. It was her turn to explore and taste, to find out just how steamy Doctor Mark Sloan was. Meredith pulled back, her own seductive smile in place. "I like it."

"Yeah? Most girls find the smell of a hospital disturbing."

"I find it sexy." She could detect a small spark just at the root word in her adjective. 'Sex' was definitely on Mark's mind. Meredith wouldn't deny it was on her mind as well. This was the best hangover she'd had in a long time. It was much better to get up early to a steamy make out session then to go in for early morning rounds. In fact, thoughts of the hospital and work were long gone by now. Meredith was completely focused on the here and the now, on Mark and the suggestive glint in his eye.

"You know, as a former dirty mistress I have some pretty sexy moves up my sleeve." Meredith tilted her head slightly to the side. Mark rolled over again, clearly amused with this game of 'who's on the bottom' they were currently playing. He enjoying the put Meredith gave him at being right side up again, though her voice was calm and controlled.

"Yeah? You wanna show me?"

"I'll show you mine if you show me yours." He pulled the blanket overtop them and a series of giggles filled the room. "Okay, you go first." She inhaled deeply as if to protest but was cut off by the shrill beeping of a pager. Mark poked his head out of the blanket and glanced about trying to locate the device. It was on the floor about a foot away. Extending his arm to snatch it, he sighed heavily, finding it was Meredith's. He handed it over reluctantly, hoping maybe she'd ignore it. But she was an intern. If she did that without a good excuse, and hot sex with the plastic surgeon was not a good excuse, she might lose her job.

Meredith glanced at the message and groaned in irritation. "I gotta go. Apparently Bailey's got some nice post-op forms for me to fill out." Her tone was serious but she didn't bother getting up and running off to work in a hurry. Instead she drew the blanket closer around her and muttered something about her clothes.

Minutes later she was standing at the door, hair up in a messy bun and looking like she just got hit by a truck. Meredith cast a wary glance over her shoulder as Mark materialized beside her in fresh clothing. At least if they showed up like this, and if one took the elevator and another took the stares, no one would have to know what they were doing last night. The question was, did either of them really care if everyone knew? Obviously the married couple was together. Why couldn't they be?

As they trudged toward the car Meredith mumbled an "I'm sorry," while cursing under her breath. She could've used a pick me up before a long day of work.

GA

"Grey, nice of you to join us," Bailey muttered as Meredith slipped into a patient's room in the middle of George presenting her condition. The four interns stared at Meredith before exchanging various glances. If she caught it right, Izzie was handing Cristina a crisp fifty dollar bill. Silence engulfed the room aside from the slight coughing of the patient, who seemed slight annoyed that attention had slipped from him to a random intern.

"Excuse me," the middle-aged man mumbled catching Doctor Bailey's attention. "I thought we were talking about me here."

"Right. O'Malley!" George flinched slightly, eyes darting up from his shoes. He'd obviously noticed Meredith's condition and wagered she was hung over, just had sex, or both. This was still a slightly odd situation to him, especially since half the time Izzie and Meredith ended up in his bed at night, discussing their various flings and who was the best. "Why'd you stop?"

"Sorry, Doctor Bailey..."

"Don't apologize to me! Apologize to the patient!"

"Sorry, Mr. Gilmore." George cleared his throat loudly and started over. "Gregory Gilmore, 54, presented with dizziness, frequent headaches, and he fainted yesterday..." This was about the point in the presentation when Meredith drifted off to daydream land. She wondered where Mark was, what he was doing, and why the hell she cared. Shaking her head slightly to relieve the overload of thoughts, she began thinking about someone else...about Derek. Where was he? Was he in the on-call room with Addison? She hoped not. Oh, wait. He obviously couldn't be there. He just walked into the room. No one could be in two places at once, not even the amazing Doctor McDreamy.

"Morning, Mr. Gilmore," Derek murmured sounding much more rejuvenated from his last night's activities then Meredith did. She suspected he at least got a cup of coffee, or maybe he got jujued from his wife. She rolled her eyes lightly, still caught up in her rampant thoughts when she glanced up at the sound of quiet, finding all eyes, including Derek's, on her.

"Sorry?" Meredith mumbled, a sheepish smile creeping onto her face.

"Pay attention, Grey," Shepherd responded with, if Meredith had seen right, a wink. She frowned lightly, rubbing her eyes. She had the sneaking suspicion she was seeing things. There was no way Derek Shepherd had just winked at her. Why in the world would he do that? Her heart skipped a beat. Was it because he still cared about her? A lump was forming in her throat. If he _did_ still care did that mean Addison still wanted Mark? She hoped so. A man with that many moves deserved someone.

"You're internally bleeding, Mr. Gilmore." Meredith pulled back into reality at this point, staring from Derek to the patient and back again. He was staring at her again, Derek not the patient. "What do we suspect the cause is? Doctor Grey?" Bailey eyed the pair of them carefully through narrowed eyes. She was obviously trying to piece together the puzzle. If Derek and Addison were still together, why was Shepherd still favoring Grey? The exact same question was running through Meredith's mind.

"Aneurysm."

"Options?"

"Surgery. If the bleeding isn't stopped, he could continue bleeding, the brain will swell, and he'll die." Derek nodded his approval and turned back to Mr. Gilmore, chatting on about the various effects of the surgery. The essential 'every surgery has its risks' speech was going on as Bailey and her interns made to slip out of the room. Derek turned and gave a dull chuckle.

"A major surgery and no interns to help me? Come on, Bailey." Meredith felt her heart speed up. Was he doing what she thought he was doing? If he was...Did that mean? "Doctor Grey, since you answered my question correctly you can assist. Prep him for surgery. I'll see you in the OR." With that Derek Shepherd slipped out of the room after Bailey and the rest of the interns. Cristina lingered for a moment shooting Meredith a glance. She knew that glance. It was the general 'who the hell are you screwing?' sort of look. If Meredith was a betting girl, she'd bet that by lunch there would be bets on which McMan she was going to choose in the end. Hopefully Izzie would have the chance to win her fifty bucks back.

Again Meredith Grey found herself in an overcrowded operating room. Above her in the gallery the rest of Bailey's interns were waiting, watching and exchanging money. Meredith had been right. Cristina was organizing a pull to see which man she would end up with at the end of the day. Shaking her head slowly she turned her attention back to the man with the open skull cap on the table. Doctor Shepherd did great work, obviously. He'd removed the aneurysm flawlessly and managed to stop the bleeding. With any luck the bleeding would stop and Mr. Gilmore would be up and walking in a few weeks.

"All right, Bailey, close him up for me will you? I've got another patient to check up on." Yes, Miranda Bailey had slipped into the operating room, Meredith thought not to observe the surgery but to spy on her and McDreamy. Now, really, what were they really going to do in the OR? She supposed it was to make sure Derek didn't let her run the procedure herself. Yeah, right. Like that would happen. Meredith caught Derek's gaze as he exited the room. Meredith watched as he scrubbed his hands and left the scrub room. She turned her attention back to Bailey, who was sewing up the patient's head.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, her pager went off. Scrambling for it, she frowned, pulling at her mask and vanishing into the scrub room. She quickly discarded of her surgical wear and washed her hands. The message was from Derek, she thought, and it said 'on-call room'. She suspected he meant the same one she'd found him and Addison in, which while completely disgusting to think about Meredith kept moving forward. When she passed Derek in the hallway going in the complete opposite direction, she halted instantly, turning on her heel and following him. "Hey!"

"Hey yourself," he replied in a mock annoyed tone. "What's up?"

"Did you page me...?" Derek frowned deeply, wrinkles etched onto his face.

"Why would I page you? I'm checking on a patient." Meredith felt her stomach drop. If Derek hadn't paged her that left only one option. Well, one option if Alex wasn't planning on sleeping with every woman in the hospital before the year was over at least. Mark had paged her in the middle of the day asking to meet her in the on-call room? This one-night stand was suddenly getting _very _complicated.

Meredith continued walking in step with him, though, because she wanted more then anything for her McDreamy to want her back. This mixed up, sleep-with-a-new-guy-every-night thing was starting to get very old very fast. She just wanted her damn McLife back! Derek seemed to understand slightly, however, and steered himself into a nearby supply closet. Meredith hovered awkwardly outside of it for a moment before impulse took over and she slid inside after him. "I was hoping you'd follow me after I said I needed to check on a patient."

Meredith blinked. She'd been right? "You did." It was a statement, not a question. Derek was sitting on a crate. It was very strange hovering over him like this. She slid down the wall to sit next to him, arms locked around her knees. Her eyes jammed shut as a precaution. She had no idea what was coming. She knew what _she_ wanted to be coming, but she didn't know if Derek wanted the same thing she did.

"I did." It was amazing how calm his voice was. He sounded much more Derek-like today then he had last night. She supposed he'd taken some of that anti-hangover medicine with his coffee this morning. His eyes were sad, sunken in behind large bags. Apparently he hadn't gotten much sleep last night. Meredith briefly wondered if he had been up playing with his wife all night or if he was actually thinking. "I'm sorry. About last night." He half-expected her to bite his head off; after all she had said not to say sorry.

But Meredith heard the twinge of regret in his voice. What was he regretting? Was Derek regretting ever getting involved with her? Or was he regretting hurting her? Maybe he was regretting postponing the divorce? "Okay...Care to expand?"

"I never meant to hurt you, Meredith. I didn't mean to...I just..." Derek inhaled deeply, palming his head. "I thought maybe if I gave it one last chance our marriage could work. But marriage isn't just about hot sex in the on-call room. If it was you and I would be married and have three kids by now." Meredith couldn't hide her gasp. This made him smile lightly. He seemed more relaxed at least. "I loved Addison once. Now I'm just trying to make something work that wasn't meant to. I don't think it'll ever be like it was before...And I was drunk last night. _Really_ drunk...I didn't know what I was saying."

"Derek...what are you saying?" Meredith was slightly surprised when he stood and flicked the light switch off. After a few moments the only sound that could be heard in the pitch-black on-call room was the heavy breathing of two people, two people who were totally in sync.

"I'm saying I'm sorry."


	4. Chapter 4: Eight Days a Week

**Rogue: Okay, here's the next chapter. If you're wondering, it's named after a Beatles' song. **

**DISCLAIMER: Turns out I didn't win the auction. Shonda decided to keep the actors around and bought everyone out. Have no fear, though. I'm in the process of buying inflatable replicas of the Grey's cast.

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"Derek?" She cast him a wary glance. He was struggling to pull up his pants. She was fussing with her hair near the door. They had it all planned out. If she left in a minute and he waited five minutes to head to his next consult, no one would ever have to know about this little 'I forgive you' fun in the dark session. Of course Meredith was planning on dishing out to her sex-crazed friends, but they wouldn't tell anyone. This was just too good to let slip by without a bit of bragging. 

"Yeah?" He finally muttered after getting his zipper up. Derek fumbled with his drawstring for a moment before looking up, quickly running a hand through his hair. He could never perfect that bed-head look he always seemed to have on Monday mornings, but he was under the impression that if his hair looked windswept even though there was no breeze in the hospital, he looked better.

"What does this mean?" Meredith caught the slightly amused glimmer in his eyes as he tilted his head to the side, halfway through putting on a lab coat over his scrubs. Derek gave his sly smile and dropped the coat on the floor, moving forward to cup her chin in his hand. She resisted, only slightly, but he pulled her gaze to his so he was staring directly into her eyes.

"It means you're too hard to quit." He kissed her quick, pulling away just when she was starting to lean into and enjoy it. Meredith frowned slightly as he moved his hand to caress her cheek, moving a stray strand of hair behind her ear. "You're more addicting then any drug on the planet." She wasn't sure whether to take this as a compliment or an insult. No matter what Derek had intended Meredith was smiling back at him like a lovesick schoolgirl. It was like the captain of the football team had asked her seventeen-year-old self out and she was stuck in that moment. It was just too good to be true.

"Now go," he urged her softly, pushing the door open for her. Meredith lingered in the doorway for a moment, looking left, then right, and left again. The coast was clear. She could make a clean break for it. But she was forgetting something. She turned on her heel and placed her hand firmly on Derek's chest. Pressing her lips to his forcefully she pulled back, clearly relishing the look of shocked pleasure dancing through his eyes.

"Goodbye, Doctor Shepherd." Meredith exited the on-call room much happier then she had entered. The rock in her stomach had disappeared; she was no longer carrying around the weight of wondering whether Derek cared or not. She was happy, just happy.

"This is exactly why you're so hard to quit!" He called after her. Meredith felt her smile pull at her lips. This was great, the feeling of happiness. But deep in the pit of her stomach she felt something else, apprehension. But Meredith was too focused replaying the last twenty-five minutes to remember why exactly she was apprehensive. How could she feel anything but happy right now? She had her McDreamy back. Everything was perfect.

She turned the corner on the prospect of heading for Really Old Guy's room. Meredith was sure the others were hiding from the world there. It was noon after all. She'd drag Cristina to the bathroom and spill her guts about Derek. Izzie would follow and beg for intimate details. The world was balanced again. But as she rounded the corner Meredith's speed decreased before she halted completely. There, standing at the nurse's station was Mark Sloan. And standing just slightly to his left was none other then Addison Shepherd. For some reason Meredith couldn't quite process at the moment she felt angry all of a sudden. Why? She and Derek had just done it in the on-call room. Why should she be feeling angry about Mark _talking_ to Addison? People could be friends even after breaking up.

Besides, Mark Sloan was a one-night stand. There was no reason she should be feeling these odd emotions. Meredith was desperately searching for a viable excuse as to why she was feeling what she was feeling but came up with nothing. There was the fact that she was oddly possessive about her things. But Mark wasn't hers. She hadn't really marked her territory. Well, she had. But she hadn't publicly marked him as hers. What was this feeling anyway? Whatever it was was eating away at her insides and Meredith didn't like it. Two minutes ago she had been happy. Now she was just being eaten away at like some sort of poisonous acid was making its way to her brain.

Mark turned away from Addison and headed in Meredith's direction. Even from ten feet away Meredith could make out the wide grin on his face. The plastic surgeon shifted the chart he was holding to the opposite hand as he passed her. "Doctor Grey," he murmured in a particularly smug sort of tone. She vaguely wondered why before turning as he walked and catching the strange glint in his eyes. Meredith knew that look. That was the look Mark Sloan had after steamy sex. Her eyes widened slightly as she glared at his retreating back, wishing nothing more then that Addison Shepherd would fall off the face of the earth. Then she would have both of her men all to herself.

Wait. Derek was her man. Mark was her man. Since when did Meredith have two men? It wouldn't have been so bad if said men got along. But these two just might kill each other. There was no sight of a pleasant threesome in her immediate future. "Doctor Sloan," she returned quickly. Mark cast a glance over his shoulder. There it was again, that playful 'I-just-did-it-with-a-hot-chic' look he pulled off so well. And there was that strange bubbling sensation in the pit of her stomach. God, what was that?

As Addison Shepherd breezed by her with the same satisfied Derek always wore after sex Meredith's heart sank. She had just realized what that weird possessive feeling was. Meredith really wished she didn't have this feeling, but there was no alternative to it. If she wouldn't have received a series of concerned stares from the hospital staff, she would have started slamming her head into the nearest wall. As it was Meredith simply continued walking, considerably more annoyed then she had been three minutes ago.

Meredith Grey was jealous.

To be more specific, Meredith Grey was jealous that her one-night stand was having sex with other women.

Why couldn't she just be one of those people who could have sex with no strings attached? Why couldn't she be someone who could have no emotional attachment to her sex buddies? Why, Meredith wondered, did she have to have emotions? Why did she have to have feelings?

More importantly why did she have to have feelings for Mark Sloan? Oh, God. She did not just admit that to herself. She didn't.

As Cristina always reminded her denial was the first step to any addiction. So, did that mean Meredith was addicted to Mark? Was she addicted to sex with Mark? Was she addicted to sex in general? Well, that had already been established. The big question here was, did she really have emotional attachment to Mark Sloan or was it just jealousy spurred by the fact that Addison Shepherd had had sex with her man first?

The question itself didn't really scare her. The answer was another story. Luckily Meredith was saved the potentially traumatizing answer to that question by the shrill beeping of her pager. Meredith had never been more thankful for being an intern in her life.

Of course, she reminded herself as she walked briskly in the direction of Bailey's call, if she wasn't an intern she never would have met Derek or Mark. And if she had never met Derek or Mark she wouldn't be having these problems. The problems were difficult, but as much as Meredith hated to admit it she wouldn't have it any other way. She had a thing for hot sex with two very desirable men. So sue her.

GA

After an exhausting afternoon of tending to patients' every whim Meredith practically collapsed on top of Really Old Guy. The other four were positioned at strategic points in the room. George and Izzie were playing cards on the floor. Cristina was buried in a textbook. Alex was stitching up a banana, probably one that came off of Really Old Guy's daily lunch tray. Vaguely Meredith wondered why the nurses even bothered to bring food into a room where the patient was in a coma but shrugged it off. She was too tired, too annoyed, and too plain confused to bother with thinking anymore. "I'm taking another vow of celibacy," she announced to the room. None of her companions acknowledged her. No one even rolled their eyes. "Hello, anyone gonna ask why?"

"What, you mean the fact that you're sleeping with two guys who hate each other?" Alex asked as he flung his sutured banana onto the windowsill. "That's old news, Grey. Everyone in the entire hospital knows that you were with Sloan last night." A smug smirk slid onto Alex's face. "Well, everyone besides the Shepherds." Meredith groaned into her arm as Izzie laid down her hand.

"Gin," she said simply causing George to groan in annoyance. "Don't worry about it, Mer. We only have another hour and then we're outta here. Afterwards we can go to Joe's and-" Meredith gave a highly noticeable fake laugh.

"No, Izzie," she stated, waving a finger in the air, "We are not going to Joe's. The last time we went to Joe's ended with me, drunk, in Mark Sloan's pants." Meredith buried her face in her arms and inhaled deeply. She was surprised to hear two echoes of the same sigh. Cristina was staring at her, that odd I Know What You Did Last Summer sort of stare.

"Come on," Cristina muttered dumping her book in Alex's lap. Izzie had already made her way to the door and was leaning against the doorframe. Meredith shot the pair a questioning gaze. Cristina offered a hollow laugh. "You need to talk. You don't like talking to no one. So Izzie and I get to sit in the bathroom and be your counselors." She yanked Meredith to her feet and dragged her toward the door. George was hovering awkwardly near Really Old Guy's bed.

"Hey, why don't I get to listen to the counseling session?" He paused, now staring at the floor. "I have to hear the sex recaps. Why can't I hear the interesting stuff?"

Izzie poked her head back into the room. "Sorry, George, girl talk."

Alex chucked the stitched banana across the room. It hit George square in the face. "If it's girl talk why aren't you invited, O'Malley?"

"Shut up..."

"So I'd just made up with Derek, had sex with him, and was all relieved inside because we weren't fighting our emotions anymore. But then I see Mark with Addison and this green eyed monster jumps out of me and roars. Like I care if Mark talks to the She-Shepherd," Meredith finished with an exasperated sigh. Izzie was perched on the end of the counter between two sinks. She rubbed her eyes in an overwhelmed sort of way before hopping down from the counters and arching a brow at Meredith. "What?"

Izzie rolled her eyes slightly. "_Do_ you care if Sloan talks with Addison?"

Meredith gave a dangerously shrill laugh. "No." Izzie was still staring. "I do not care if Mark Sloan talks to Addison Shepherd! They can make out in the on-call room for all I care!" Her voice dropped slowly and she began fiddling with a loose strand of hair. Meredith had the sick sort of feeling, you know one of her famous feelings, that that was exactly what Mark and Addison had been doing. Or maybe they had been doing the same thing she and Derek had been doing. Now that was a disturbing thought.

"Okay," Izzie conceded, pausing for only a second before launching into another potentially embarrassing question. "Do you care if Sloan and Addison sleep together?" Silence filled the room besides the trickling sound coming from the only occupied stall. It stopped abruptly and a series of annoyed swearing filled the otherwise quiet room.

"Damn it, Izzie! I told you to keep her talking!" The sound of ripping toilet paper cut off another string of curses from Cristina. "You know I can't pee when it's all quiet!" Meredith shot Izzie a questioning glance, but found her friend currently incapable of intelligent speech; she was too caught up in a laugh attack to be paying much attention to Meredith.

The stall burst open and a pissed off Cristina stomped toward the sinks, shoving Izzie out of the way and washing her hands. Staring at Meredith through the reflecting of the mirror Cristina gave a snort. "About the question you asked Meredith obviously cares that Sloan's sleeping with Addison Shepherd. Even if it was a one-night stand it was still sex, which usually means something. Seriously."

"Seriously?" Izzie echoed, now leaning against the closed door to one of the stalls. Her gaze drifted to Meredith, who once again had the strange urge to slam her head into the wall repeatedly. "So, just to make this clear, you're sleeping with McDreamy and McSteamy, but neither knows you're sleeping with the other, and you're pissed off because Sloan's sleeping with Addison Shepherd?"

"No!" Meredith gritted her teeth at the obvious on the verge of laughter look Izzie was wearing. Cristina was leaning against the sinks, an eyebrow arched.

"You're not mad that Sloan's sleeping with Montgomery-Shepherd?" Cristina shrugged. "Your funeral. Let's just hope you don't get syphilis. Then it'll end up over the entire hospital in the span of three hours." Izzie and Cristina exchanged glances. Meredith could see the laughter in Izzie's eyes. Cristina was wearing a smug sort of 'let me take a bow' look.

"No," Meredith growled, turning to glare at both of them. Izzie and Cristina turned their attention to her, looks varying from Izzie's perplexed to Cristina's entertained. "I'm not mad that Mark's sleeping with Addison because I don't _know_ that he's sleeping with Addison!" Izzie glanced about the bathroom with a deer in the headlights expression. She checked the stalls quickly to make sure no one else was in there. Now would be a very bad time for anyone else to be eavesdropping on their conversation. Cristina simply laughed.

"Right, Mer, you only said you saw the pleasured look in his eye." She paused, hopping back onto the counter and shrugging. "Like I said, do what you want. It might be fun to see the entire surgical floor break out with syph again." Meredith opened her mouth to respond just as the door opened. The three interns shared shocked expressions varying in degree as Addison Shepherd slipped inside. Meredith snatched a paper towel from the dispenser and slammed it into the garbage can before slipping out of the room. If she was in the same room with that woman for more then thirty seconds, she might end up beating her face in.

Addison moved toward the mirror, casting the remaining inters a bemused look. "Did I miss something?"

Izzie shook her head. "No, Meredith's just PMSing."

Meredith was making her way down the stairs at a brisk pace. If she kept moving, she wouldn't do anything stupid. Besides, she wasn't sure of anything yet. She would just wait until after work and then talk to Mark. Or not talk to him, depending on her decision on who the hell she wanted to sleep with. The problem here was she wanted to sleep with Derek. But she wanted to sleep with Mark too. This was probably what was meant by the expression 'can't have your cake and eat it, too'. Whoever wrote that needed to burn in hell.

As she rounded the corner on the landing, Meredith nearly rammed right into someone. Quickly sidestepping them she muttered a hurried 'sorry' and took a step forward. The voice that replied caused her to stop dead in her tracks. "Whoa, in a hurry, Grey?" Mark. Meredith swerved around, anger flaring in her eyes. Mark took a step back, holding his hands up in a retreating gesture. "Sorry. Bad day?"

Meredith opened her mouth to answer, thought better of it and shook her head. She closed her mouth, opened it again, and sighed. This went on for nearly twenty seconds before she finally blurted out "Did you sleep with Addison?" Mark shot her a quizzical look. Sighing in defeat, he spoke.

"Yeah. But you slept with Derek, right?" There was a playful sort of gleam in his eyes. Mark was wearing his patented grin again. It was almost impossible for Meredith to be upset with him. He just looked so devious with his perfect smile and sparkling eyes.

"...Yeah." The two stared at each other for a moment before she practically lunged forward, pushing him into the wall. Mark let out a slightly surprised murmur but was unable to get his sentence out because her lips were on top of his almost instantly. Once he realized what was going on, he relaxed into it and kissed back. Meredith pulled back, head cocked slightly to one side. He moved a stray hair out of her face and smiled down at her, a question poised in his eyes. "What?"

"Does this mean we're not fighting?" She answered with another deep kiss. Again, the beeping of a pager broke the two from their bond. This time it was Mark's. Sighing heavily he pulled away, planting a soft kiss atop her head before heading up the stairs. "Sorry about this," he called once a flight of stairs above her. "I promise someday we will be able to do this while sober."

"I'll hold you to that promise," Meredith called back, a grin playing upon her lips. Sighing heavily she headed through the nearest door and walked in the general direction of the locker room. Derek materialized out of a patient's room and fell into step next to her.

"Hey," he offered.

"Hey," she replied a little too quickly. Derek gave her a suspicious stare before laughing under his breath.

"What, were you making out with someone in the stairwell? Is there something I should know about?" After a moment of Meredith stiffening up and falling silent, gaze counting the tiles on the floor below, Derek laughed lightly. "So, what are you doing tonight?"

"Nothing," she answered truthfully. In the back of her mind she was sifting through the day's events. Two men, two make out sessions, two doses of hot sex. For an adulterous whore Meredith Grey wasn't doing half bad.


	5. Chapter 5: The Heart of Life

**Rogue: Thanks for all the positive reviews, guys. I would probably write this even if I _didn't_ get positive feedback, but you motivate me to keep going and write faster. As a heads up I have a ton of tests on Friday so I'm probably not going to be able to pull of a two-chapter day tomorrow. I'm not even sure if I'll be able to get up one chapter. Just a heads up, try not to worry. **

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of its characters. I do, however, own a pair of scrub pants that I'm wearing right now. But you didn't need to know that.

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She was dating. Again. Meredith Grey was officially dating. To be more specific, Meredith Grey was officially dating a married man. She was dating a married man while sleeping with said married man's ex-best friend. And as of now she was okay with that. Though it was very strange to spend a night out with Derek and then come home to snuggle up in her bed alone, Meredith had to admit not having to look good for the rest of the night was terribly inviting. And besides, her head was very full about now. Her night with Derek might have been wonderful, but there was a message on her answering machine. 

Meredith had no doubt in her mind that the message was from a certain plastic surgeon, but she wasn't entirely sure she wanted to listen to it. There was something about Mark, about his smile, his eyes, and even his voice, that made her terribly vulnerable. Not that it was so much of a bad thing, but Meredith had taken a vow of celibacy today. If she went to see Mark tonight, she knew that vow would be broken, and Izzie would be out another fifty bucks. Still, though, curiosity killed the cat. Curiosity also led to irrational relationships with your (ex?) boyfriend's ex-best friend.

Rolling over and jamming the button with her middle finger, Meredith flopped back onto her bed. It was so soft, so inviting, and quite frankly with no one there to hog the blankets it was very warm. Her eyes began to droop. It wasn't even that late, barely passed midnight, but being an intern you worked your ass off all of the fifteen hours you were at that hospital, be it surgically or otherwise. When Mark's voice filled the room, Meredith's eyes snapped open. God, even his voice made her heart speed up. Did Derek's voice do that, too?

"Hey, Meredith. I was just calling to see what you were up to tonight. I was gonna make good on my promise, but I guess I missed you. Hopefully you're not out with Derek." A laugh. A pause. Meredith inhaled deeply. "But if I find out you are I'll just pay Addie a visit. I know how you'd like that. Anyway, if you get this give me a call. Though, by the time you get this I'll probably be totally drunk and unable to fulfill that promise. Tomorrow for sure, okay?" Meredith had never been so relieved to hear that end of message beep. She was also never more angry that a guy had called her right after a date. Well, normally after her dates she was with the guy in bed, so this was a rare occasion. But still, Derek never did this sort of thing.

"Meredith, it's Derek. I was just calling to make sure you got home okay." He laughed. Meredith felt herself shiver slightly. Apparently Derek's voice _did_ make her all giddy inside. "Okay, so I was calling because I'm sitting outside your house in my car waiting to see if you'll come back and take me inside. I guess you're tired, though. If you don't answer I'll probably just go home, but it's kind of weird to take you out and not have anything after. I guess I'll just have to go home to my wife." Silence. Then a hurried correction, "My soon-to-be-ex-wife. Anyway, see you tomorrow. Bye." By this point Meredith had buried her head within the depths of her pillow.

This was a very complicated situation. She had two great guys. Both guys were nice in their own ways. Derek had this sort of adorable boyish sweetness to him even if he had some of the best sex she'd ever had. But besides the sex, Derek had also given her some of the best advice she'd ever gotten from a guy. Derek wasn't just a pretty face; he had a brain behind that smile. Mark was just what every girl wanted in high school. He was the bad boy, he was the rebel, he was the guy who slept with other guys' girls. He was the bad boy, and Meredith always had a soft spot for bad boys. And Mark was just about as bad as you could go within the walls of Seattle Grace Hospital.

All Meredith wanted to do was get a rejuvenating night's sleep. Unfortunately her mind had other plans for her. For nearly an hour she tossed and turned, trying to get into a comfortable position. When she finally found one and closed her eyes she was startled to see Derek's head floating in her vision. Springing to a seated position, she glanced about, as if expecting Derek to be standing in her bedroom. He obviously wasn't. Pulling the blankets around her Meredith flopped back onto her side and let sleep overtake her. Out of the darkness Mark's face was staring at her, that stupid grin planted on his face. Her eyes snapped open and she swung her legs over the side of the bed. When things like this happened there was only one thing to do.

She barged right into George's room without knocking. He was lying in the middle of his bed with the pillow over his head while Izzie droned on about how she knew what she did for Denny was wrong but how she was getting no experience replacing bedpans. And apparently therapy was not helping at all. "I mean is staring at ink blots and playing word association games really going to help me? Seriously." Both looked up when Meredith entered but simply moved over to the side so she could crawl into bed alongside them. A light grin was playing across Izzie's face. "Do you think if I said 'Denny' or 'heart' after every ink blot picture I might get sent down to Psyche? Maybe I could steal a case there..."

Meredith groaned into her arms, which were currently crossed over her face. Izzie stopped her ranting and rested her weight on her elbow, lying on her side and staring over George at Meredith. "Good night with Shepherd?" George made a very prominent gagging noise before rolling over. He was now on his back and perfectly awake. Meredith and Izzie exchanged glances. Maybe waking George up and dumping all over him _wasn't_ the answer to all problems. After a moment of silence George got irritated and turned his head to the left so he was eye to eye with Meredith.

"Are you going to tell us or just leave us hanging in suspense?" Izzie gave a light smile as Meredith began talking. Somehow, listening to other people's problems, especially Meredith's, always seemed to make hers seem so unimportant, or at least easier to handle.

"Yeah, I guess you could say it was a good night. We went out to dinner and talked...about things." Simultaneously George and Izzie turned their heads in her direction and mouthed 'things?' "He says after he talks to Addison tomorrow he'll talk to the attorneys to get the divorce finalized." Three sighs filled the room. Meredith propped herself up on her elbow and arched a brow, awaiting thoughts on this.

"That's it?" George mumbled, annoyed. "You woke me up to tell me that the divorce that was supposed to be finalized this week actually is going to be finalized this week? Wow, and here I was waiting for some juicy sex details." He then pushed back against the headboard, eyes snapped his eyes closed, though Meredith could still see him squinting at her from behind his eyelids.

"You sure he's good for it this time?" Izzie murmured slowly. "Last time this didn't exactly go well, did it?"

Meredith breathed deeply. "I'm not sure about anything anymore, Iz. There's more if you want to listen, George." She jabbed him in the ribs with her elbow. His eyes darted open and he glared at her, obviously disgruntled that his light sleep had been interrupted.

"Juicy details?" He asked in a girlish tone.

"We did not have sex! I took a vow of celibacy, remember?" George and Izzie shared a glance. Meredith ignored their incoherent murmurs. "Anyway, after Derek brings me home and says goodnight," there was a hacking interruption from George that sounded oddly like 'kissing' and a high-pitched 'awe' from Izzie. Meredith rolled her eyes and waved them off. "That's not what I want to talk about. Mark left a message on my answering machine. He wanted to..." She stared at George who was fighting back laughter.

"He wanted hot sex, didn't he?"

"He wanted...sober sex." The three burst into laughter in unison, though the other two continued for at least thirty seconds after Meredith had stopped. George was laughing at least a full minute after Izzie had stopped. They both elbowed him and he faded off slightly, now speaking through bouts of laughter.

"I'm sorry. It's just really late and I'm tired and I could totally hear Sloan's voice saying 'Hey, Meredith, I was bored and Addison isn't around so how about some sex?'" Izzie bit her lip to keep herself from joining in on George's second laughing fit. Meredith pulled the pillow out from under her head and smacked him over the head with it. George simply rolled over onto his back, one pillow underneath him and the other over his head. "Okay, go on."

"And after that message there's one from Derek." There was a dramatic gasp from Izzie and Meredith rolled her eyes. "He was sitting out in his car for twenty minutes waiting for me to come out and offer him sex. Then he said he was going to have to go home to his wife." She trailed off into nothingness, leaving room for them all to think.

"Wouldn't it be bad if Shepherd got back to his trailer and found Sloan in there with his wife?" Meredith stared at Izzie. George shivered with silent laughter.

"They both wanted the same thing," George's muffled voice was heard. "They might not be best friends anymore but they're still really alike, aren't they?" Mark and Derek were more alike then Izzie and George knew. That was the entire problem. Meredith had to decide between two guys that she really liked. The parts of them that were different were cute and adorable. It was the parts of them that were the same, sex preferences, attraction to more then one woman at once, cockiness that annoyed her. So what it really came down to was which of their differences did she like better? She had no idea. She kind of liked both of their differences. If Meredith could splice Derek and Mark into one guy and get rid of all the bad parts well she'd have the perfect man.

"I just don't really know what to do. I've fought so long to get Derek to pick me and choose me again. It seems stupid to just throw it all away." She paused, sighing heavily. She pulled at a stray piece of hair before going on. "But Mark was there after Derek hurt me. He was there to hold me and comfort me...He makes me feel good." Meredith folded her arms behind her head and shook her head slowly. "I'm really indecisive. What would you do if you were me?"

Meredith got no answer. "Izzie?" George's heavy snoring answered her. She gave a dull chuckle, looking over George to see Izzie, fast asleep and completely covered by the blankets. George had no covers. She was halfway draped with his comforter. "When I was thinking about a threesome in my near future, this wasn't exactly what I had in mind..."

GA

Meredith offered a wide yawn. She was in the middle of a seminar on the importance of selecting the right surgical tools. She's signed up for this thing mainly because she needed to sit at a table with a cup of coffee and wake up for four hours. Meredith didn't bargain that the speaker would be one hundred years old and make her even more tired then when she walked in. She also didn't think this would be so boring that her thoughts could wander, mainly to the two men she was supposedly seeing, and so boring that she couldn't fall asleep if she tried. The speaker's voice was so monotone and dry it rang in her ears, making her suffer in silence.

When the clock struck twelve signaling lunchtime Meredith had to fight the urge not to cheer. She was the first to escape from the crowded room of interns. None of her friends had sat in on that particular seminar, probably because they all knew it was so boring it could drive you insane. She was so happy to be out of that room she didn't care that the others were spread out across the hospital, assigned on other cases. Alex had gone with Webber to retrieve a transplant organ, Cristina was probably trying to reconcile with Burke before his valve replacement, George was helping Addison birth a baby, and Izzie was...most likely in the Psyche ward for pointing out that the ink blob that looked like a star reminded her of Denny's eyes.

It didn't really matter to Meredith. She was perfectly content with getting something from the vending machine and camping out in Really Old Guy's room alone. Maybe there, with the TV on, she could evade her thoughts about Derek and Mark. But first she needed to refill her coffee cup. There was no way in hell she would be able to get through the rest of the day without more caffeine.

Making a sharp turn at the nearest hallway, she found herself at the elevator. Mark was standing there. He looked at her. She conveniently looked away. Meredith cast a chancing gaze at him. He was looking at his watch. The doors of the elevator zoomed open and she entered, Mark right behind her. "Not again," she whined in annoyance. "Why can't we do this somewhere else?" He had appeared behind her, resting his chin on her shoulder and whispering into her ear.

"Next time I have a surgery scheduled I'll make sure the OR's empty. We can make out in the middle of a liposuction. How's that sound?" His voice faded off into a satisfied sort of purr as she moved her hand to brush against his cheek.

"Which OR?"

"The one with the gallery. We wouldn't want to deny the hospital the show they've all been waiting to see, right?" He repositioned himself so he was in front of her now and rested his forehead against hers. Meredith hoped he wouldn't press his body up against hers; then he might just feel how rapidly her heart was beating about now. Mark pecked her cheek and pulled back, that mischievous glint in his eyes once more. "I'd be sure to get the Shepherds' front row seats." Even though she didn't want Derek to know about them, and even though she knew he didn't want Addison to know about them, Meredith laughed along with him.

"All right. But if you want to charge I suggest you start selling tickets soon." She placed a kiss on his collarbone, then ran in a chain of kissed up his neck, teasingly she kissed his cheek and pulled back. "Because if you don't Cristina and Izzie will jump on this. I bet they'd make a fortune." Meredith noted the frown gracing his features and moved in, giving him a heated kiss on the lips. Their tongues intertwined, as if fighting for the right to enter the other mouth. As their tongues struggled so did they, trading positions until Meredith was backed against the keypad. Mark easily flipped it so he was against the wall and pulled at the 'emergency stop' knob. He pulled away, a seductive sort of nod of his head asking her a question.

"Mark," she stated calmly, even as he began pressing his lips to her neck. "We are not doing this here. When we do it, I want it to be somewhere special." It was getting steadily harder for her to focus on what she was saying with Mark nibbling at her ear and nuzzling her cheek. She swatted him away in mock irritation before finishing, "Or at least not in the elevator. If we do it in the elevator, every time I think about it I'll end up thinking about Mc- Derek." He quickly pulled the knob again and the elevator began moving. Mark cast her a wary glance, expression clearly showing his disappointment.

"Does this mean we can't make out anywhere you and Derek made out?" He paused, tapping his chin thoughtfully. "I kind of wanted to try out the on-call room thing myself..." Meredith opened her mouth to respond just as the elevator doors opened and he exited, a playful smirk on his face. "I guess that's okay. There's plenty of hidden corners of this hospital you and Derek haven't found. The roof for instance?" Her eyes widened and his smile grew.

"Mark. Mark!" The doors slid closed before she had a chance to agree or disagree to this. Meredith gave a frustrated sigh, leaning against the wall and staring at the ceiling. She should probably figure out what she wanted to do and fast. Mark might not have cared if she was sleeping with Derek but Derek definitely cared if she was sleeping with Mark. So, if she was going to pick Derek that habit of making out with Mark whenever they were alone would have to stop. If she chose Mark...well his little ritual of making out and/or having sex with Addison Shepherd had better stop. Or else he'd have to answer to Cristina. And these days Cristina wasn't her normal, cynical self. She would literally kick his ass, which would actually be an entertaining sight.

Stepping out of the elevator she headed for the nearest longue. This place had the best coffee in her opinion. There was just the slight drawback that Derek always seemed to be hanging out around here whenever Meredith happened to appear. This time was no different. As she entered the room, she heard Derek's voice, not his usual calm, steady voice but a broken, angry voice. "You slept with Mark?"

Oh, God. Meredith shut her eyes quickly. This was not happening. She was imagining it. No, he was still talking. "I can't believe you slept with someone else again. I can't believe you slept with _Mark_." Just start apologizing and crying, Meredith thought wildly. No, play it dumb. No, that wouldn't work.

"Jesus, Derek, I'm sorry. It was only supposed to be a one-night thing. I didn't mean for it to end up like this..." Silence answered her. Meredith bit her lip and opened her eyes slowly. Derek was staring at her open-mouthed. Across the room Addison was wearing an outraged look. "Oh, shit. I'm sorry Addison." She wasn't sorry to her. Not really, but it just seemed like the right thing to do. "I-"

"_You_ slept with Mark?" Derek stared from one to the other incredulously. "Sometimes I wonder why you two aren't friends. You seem to have the same taste in men."

"Mark slept with _you_?" Addison managed, voice shaking slightly. Meredith closed her eyes again. Maybe if she focused hard enough this would all disappear and she'd wake up sitting at the table in her seminar. Maybe she was asleep and none of this was even happening. Yeah, it was all a dream. That was it.

"You guys talking about me?" Mark. Correction, this was not a dream. This was a nightmare.


	6. Chapter 6: My Paper Heart

**Rogue: By a miraculous turn of events, a few of my teachers noticed that we had absolutely no idea what we were doing. So, because two of my tests got postponed until next week, I had time to write up this chapter. I'm quite fond of it myself. Anyway, it's obviously named after the All-American Rejects' song. **

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing more of Grey's Anatomy then the two soundtracks, the complete first and second seasons, a pair of scrubs, and a hooded sweatshirt with the Seattle Grace Hospital logo that says 'seriously?'

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"Mark." Three voices echoed the same word in three distinctly different tones. Addison was hurt; it was easy enough to see that in her eyes. Derek was angry. You didn't even need to look at him to see that. His voice wasn't the same angry tone it had been moments ago while talking to Addie. It was a whole different level of anger. And Meredith looked vaguely exasperated, like she was lost and just happened to walk into this room. 

"That's my name," he answered slowly, gaze rotating from Addison to Meredith and back again. He didn't dare make eye contact with Derek; the last time he had tried that, he ended up with stitches in the side of his face. "What are we talking about?" Mark had seized a cup of coffee from the nearby cart and took a long sip. Meredith was doing her best to ignore his presence completely considering the circumstances, but the fact that his cup was steaming was making it very hard for her to focus. Steaming. McSteamy. Seriously.

"We were having the nicest conversation about how you're still sleeping with my wife-"

Derek was cut off by said wife and Meredith speaking simultaneously. "Soon-to-be-ex-wife." Addison and Grey met glances before looking in opposite directions. The fact that they were agreeing on anything besides men was slightly comical in some aspects. Apparently it wasn't very funny to Derek. Mark, however, seemed slightly amused.

"-and my ex-girlfriend."

"Ex?" Again Addison and Meredith spoke as one. "Both of us, hell the four of us know very well that as soon as those divorce papers go through, you're going to run back to her," Addie muttered with a highly noticeable fake laugh. "Not that she'll take you back. If Grey's really anything like me, she'll see you for what you really are. A cheating bastard. Look at us, Derek. Even when we're not together we end up in supply closets and even after hot sex we end up fighting."

"Let's not get into the whole cheating conversation," Derek shot back in an equally mock amused tone. "Because it's not like I'm the only one in this room who's done it." His gaze wandered over his three companions, Addison with her arms crossed over her chest, Mark dumping sugar into his coffee, and Meredith hovering awkwardly in the doorway. She was hovering awkwardly between more then a doorway in her mind, though. She was arguing with herself over whether this confrontation was truly a bad thing or if it was a blessing in disguise. She had been struggling with the decision between the two men. Here they both were, with Addison. The entire dysfunctional love square was present. Maybe this was exactly what they all needed to get their emotions in check.

They should have had weekly meetings. Instead of Alcoholics Anonymous they would have Cheating Lovers Anonymous meetings. CLA meetings would be held in the on-call room every Thursday at noon. Whatever happened happened. They could even have a foursome if they were feeling up to it. Oh, God. Lack of sleep mixed with a very small room with two of the single hottest men Meredith had ever seen was not a good combination.

"Besides I only did it because you did it first," Derek insisted. That was it, end of discussion. Mark set his coffee cup down and gave a hearty laugh.

"Yeah, and that's such a good reason. At least Meredith and I had a decent reason for cheating." It was Derek's turn to laugh.

"Don't tell me sleeping with your best friend's wife is a compassionate thing to do." Derek shook his head slowly, voice lowering with every word. "And the fact that the married couple is sleeping together really shouldn't be a factor in your relationship. I mean it's not like we're in love. It's lust. It's fulfilling old hungers. And you and Meredith should know that when dating and/or sleeping with a married person there's always the chance that, yeah, the married couple do sleep together."

"But you were getting divorced." Her voice came out soft, cautious. Derek's head whipped around. He had all about forgot that Meredith was even in the room. She shivered slightly when all eyes, including Addison's narrowed and deadly glare, fell upon her. "You told me you were leaving her for me. You said you chose me. And then you go and sleep with your soon-to-be-ex-wife. You're not even living together anymore..."

"Yeah," Mark agreed with a nod of his head. "You told me you loved me, Addison." An outraged sort of laugh escaped Derek's mouth. "Was this before or after you slept together in our bed? And was this before or after you said we were trying to fix our marriage?"

"You had your own outlet," Addison replied easily. "It wasn't like I was the only one with a secret lover that wasn't really a secret. The entire hospital knew about you and Meredith." Meredith was getting that bang-your-head-into-the-wall feeling again, except this time it wasn't because of what was said. She'd known everyone knew about Derek. It was old news. Addison told Mark she loved him? The only thought running through Meredith's head was not the former 'Oh, God, I'm so dead' but something along the lines of wondering if he'd said it back. Not that Mark had ever said he loved her. At least Meredith didn't think Mark ever told her he loved her. Oh, God. _Did_ Mark tell her he loved her? Was she that bad a person that she didn't even remember? She really wished she could just rip her jealousy out. It was a very complicated emotion and essentially the source of all of her problems, including the CLA.

"And it wasn't like the entire practice back in New York didn't know about you and Mark," Derek answered in a sort of indifferent tone. Another question ran through Meredith's mind at this point. Why exactly was Derek so angry right about now? Was he jealous of Mark and Addison? Or was he simply angry that she'd slept with his ex-best friend. Maybe he had syphilis. Great, Meredith thought in the back of her mind. If Derek had syph then they'd all have syph. And she'd never hear the end of it from Cristina.

Again she was painfully aware that everyone was staring at her, although why she wasn't quite sure of. "Sorry, what?" Meredith mumbled tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear. Addison had totally disappeared from view. What the hell had just happened? Why was she stuck alone in a room with the two sexiest doctors in the hospital? And _why_, Meredith scolded herself, was she totally okay with that?

"You slept with Mark. I sleep with my wife and you sleep with Mark," Derek stated dully. The anger had completely vanished from his voice. It had been replaced by something Meredith rarely saw in her McDreamy. He was hurt, sad and hurt. It was sort of painful to stare him in the eye, not only because she was guilty but because somewhere deep in her self-conscious Meredith was enjoying seeing Derek hurt. After all the times he'd hurt her he deserved a little hurt back, right? But the problem with this was that when Derek hurt a little bit of her hurt, too. She supposed that was the price of caring for someone. You were connected. When one was happy, they both were happy. When one was angry, they both were angry. When one hurt, they both hurt. And Derek was hurting now.

Apparently so was Addison. She caught Mark's lingering gaze on the door. She knew he was thinking about Addison, and where she had gone, what she was doing, if she was crying in the bathroom. Meredith shifted the rumbling jealousy to the back of her mind for later to focus on the here and the now. After all, this conversation was probably going to be the deciding factor in which man she chose. So she'd better pay attention. "Derek, I know I hurt you. But you hurt me, too. You said we were together. You said I was special. And then you go and pull something like this."

"Like what, Meredith? Sleeping with the woman I married is a crime now?" Derek sighed heavily, running a hand through his hair. His eyes hovered momentarily on Mark, who was now sipping at his coffee again. "Not that it matters. I'm calling the attorneys. They'll speed up the process and this all will finally be behind me." Meredith couldn't help but feel happy at this confirmation. Did that mean she should choose Derek? Was that what she wanted? Yes, she thought it was.

"Oh, Derek," she murmured unable to hide the tone of relief in her voice. Meredith moved forward on the prospect of slipping her hand into his or perhaps if he was lucky to hug him. Derek, though, shuffled awkwardly to the side. Meredith shot him a questioning glance. He simply shook his head slowly, sadly, in response.

"'This all' includes everything. You, Addison," Derek glared in Mark's direction. "Mark. Seattle." Meredith's throat clenched. What was he saying? Her mind was racing a mile a minute but it was nothing compared to her rapid heartbeat. Suddenly it all became so clear. She did want Derek. The entire reason she wanted Mark was because he made Derek angry. She'd been hoping to catch Derek's attention with Mark and then he'd come running back to her. But it had backfired on her.

"Derek, what do you mean? I don't think-"

"No," he agreed, "You don't think. I got a job offer back in New York waiting for me. Addison can stay here with you and Mark. I'm sure you three will make a wonderful couple." Derek edged sideways toward the door. "You both wanted Mark. You can have him." Doctor Shepherd exited the room, poking his head back inside. "And Mark, I should probably thank you. You exposed both of my potential women to be adulterous and sex-crazed. So you can have them. I don't need this." With that he slammed the door to the longue and stalked off down the hall. Meredith supposed he was looking for Addison. Not that it mattered. She didn't think either of them would be getting anything from McDreamy in the next hundred or so years.

Meredith felt odd, numb. Derek had just dropped her and left. Her entire plan -was it a plan?- had backfired. And now she was sitting in the longue with nothing more then an empty coffee cup. She leaned her weight against the wall and slid down to the floor, knees drawn into her chest. She rested her chin upon them and glanced about through watery eyes. Even if it had been her fault Derek had dropped her, and she would openly admit to that, it still hurt. Even when trying to hurt him she hurt. Meredith's throat constricted at the irony of it all. When one hurt, they both hurt. Life sucked. Love sucked.

Nothing could possibly make her broken heart feel better now.

Nothing except perhaps coffee. Caffeine just had that magical property to it. When Meredith smelled the sweet scent of fresh brewed coffee slightly to her left, she sighed slightly. Behind the tears that were surely making a nice trail down her cheeks and smearing her makeup, she gave a small smile. "Thanks," she muttered taking the cup of steaming coffee from Mark, who had flopped down next to her. Bringing the cup to her lips, Meredith seemed to awake with new life. God, the magic of caffeine was faster then it used to be.

Anyway, the shocking revelation that Derek had left her was still very fresh in Meredith's mind. But again, the thoughts she'd been hiding were coming to the forefront of her mind. If Derek left there was still Mark. And Mark had stayed with her after Derek left, even if Addison could potentially be drowning herself in tears in the bathroom. Did that mean something? Did she still have a chance with Mark? And more importantly, did everything really happen for a reason like George said it did? If so Meredith had little doubt that Derek had broken up with her for the sole purpose of her and Mark getting together. Maybe fate wasn't so cruel after all.

"You okay, Grey? I guess it's kind of my fault Derek ended it." Meredith shook her head, tilting it back to stare at the ceiling.

"It's not your fault. It's not like you forced me into anything. It's been my decision. It's all been my decision." She paused bringing her lips to her coffee once more and draining the cup. Setting it on the floor she clasped her arms around her knees and breathed deeply, a bit of hot steam pouring from her mouth. Thinking about Mark's nickname Meredith reveled in coincidence for a moment before continuing. "And I didn't hesitate with my decision, either. I mean I wanted it just as much as you did."

"Yeah, but I kind of feel bad, ruining two relationships in one day." Meredith gave a light laugh. Derek and Addison were over. Meredith and Derek were over. That left only one option to pursue. Meredith turned her head slightly to the side, making eye contact with Mark for the first time since he'd entered the room. God, his eyes were really distracting. Even with his tough, bad boy attitude, you could see Mark's real emotions in his eyes. She guessed that was why he was so particularly skilled in avoiding her gaze.

"Everything happens for a reason, right? I mean some good̀ll come out of this." It was Mark's turn to sigh. He was examining the ceiling. Meredith thought he might be counting the tiles. "Just because one relationship ends it's not the end of the world. Right?" Mark's head snapped back and he stared at her, a strangely unfamiliar look in his eyes. He didn't look happy, or angry, or pleased. Meredith knew the look he got in his eye when he was feeling those things. What was hidden behind his frown now was something unfamiliar, something Meredith didn't quite comprehend. His expression mirrored Derek's pity expression. Why would Mark be pitying her? She was confused. She needed more caffeine.

"You take rejection pretty well," he commented slowly, as if each word was causing her some great emotional pain. Meredith gave a short laugh as she got to her feet and moved to the coffee machine. She poured herself a fresh cup and was in the middle of adding cream and sugar when she answered him.

"When you live a life that's as filled with rejection as mine is, you kind of get used to it." She took a long sip from her cup and rested her weight against the cart. Mark remained silent, a thoughtful frown upon his lips. Meredith licked coffee from her own lips suddenly unable to contain the beast inside her longing for kisses, touching, and sex. After losing something that you thought was forever, after losing Derek, she felt somewhat empty. The only way to feel full again was sex. And here Mark was, just waiting for her to pounce.

"I still feel bad." Meredith gave him a quizzical glance.

"Why?"

"I feel bad because I'm adding to that rejection." She waved him off and set her coffee down. She moved back to the wall and sat in front of him Indian style. Placing her hands on his knees, she spoke.

"I told you. I don't blame you for it. Derek and I...we had a lot of issues." Mark laughed, indicating that he was well aware of this fact. Something was still bothering her, though. He was still conveniently looking away from her. He was staring at a picture on the wall behind her, conveniently looking like he was staring at her but in reality he was looking just to her right. Moving her hands to grasp his face Meredith gave a victorious chuckle. "Stop avoiding my eyes. It makes me think you're hiding something." Holding his face in place forced him to look at her. Mark's eyes still held that odd, unfamiliar look.

Meredith decided she would change that look to one she was more familiar with. Pressing her lips firmly to his she expected one of two things. He would protest and make some excuse about how you should wait at least one day after a breakup to make out with another man either, or, what Meredith hoped for, he would kiss back. Mark did neither of these. Instead he accepted the kiss but didn't offer one back. When she pulled away, a question posed in her eyes, Mark's eyes were a different emotion. He looked sad. Why did Mark look sad?

"Meredith," he said slowly slipping out of her grasp and getting to his feet. He jammed his hands into his pockets. She stood as well, head tilted slightly to the side. "I have to tell you something." She nodded. He breathed out deeply. "You know how I said Addie told me she loved me?" Another nod. "Well, I love her too." Meredith nodded blindly again. "And I care about you, too, okay? You weren't just a fling to me. Okay, you started out that way." She nodded. He gave a small smile, she shadow of his real McGrin. "But it grew. I looked forward to our meetings in the hallway. I liked our talks, especially the one after the bar. Don't get me wrong, the sex was good. The sex was _great_." He sighed. Mark sighed in the way Meredith used to sigh when thinking about Derek. It was at that moment that the impact of what Mark was saying really hit her. Mark thought of Addison like she used to think about Derek. "But if I love someone who loves me back I can't just let that chance pass by, you know?"

Meredith nodded again. God, what was she? A bobble head doll? Mark moved toward the door. He stared back at her broken form, huddled against the wall to keep standing. The events of this day were just starting to take effect on Meredith Grey's body. Emotional pain was terrible because it could spread to become physical. Mark stared at her with a painful look in his eyes. "I'm sorry, Meredith." She knew he wasn't just saying that. She could see it in his eyes. She didn't respond but simply slid down the wall and buried her head in her arms, letting the tears flow freely and stain the carpet.

Mark hovered in the doorway for a long moment, torn between going after Addie and comforting Meredith. But after what he had just said he doubted she would let him near her. He left quietly, leaving Meredith to wallow in her miserable life. She kept seeing that pitied look in his eyes in her mind, kept picturing that sad look. Meredith reached a shaking hand up to the coffee cart and retrieved her cup. She took a slow sip, wishing caffeine could cure emotional problems as well as tiredness. Unfortunately it couldn't.

When one hurt, they both hurt.


	7. Chapter 7: All Screwed Up

**Rogue: You know in medical shows how a character always gets a revelation from a patient going through something similiar? Prepare for use of that dynamic here, though I'm not sure Meredith's realization can be considered a revelation. It all just seems to make her more confused. Anyway, this is named after an ACDC song, and I'm sure I used the words 'screwed up' multiple times within the chapter.**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Grey's Anatomy. My mother did, however, buy me lavender scented shampoo and conditioner. The entire day I was going around telling everyone I smelled like Meredith. They all thought I was a little high on something. Someone suggested Morphine...Anyway...

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Normally by this point of a very bad day Meredith Grey would be passed out at the bar. Unfortunately for her, she didn't have the will or interest to go and drink her pain away. In fact, Meredith had spent the better part of the night since getting off work sitting in the bathtub with the shower door slid closed. Whenever someone would enter to pee, she tensed up, and stopped her crying. The last thing she needed was George staring at her while taking a piss or Izzie asking her one more time if she wanted a damn cookie. When were they going to figure out that chocolate was not the answer to all prayers? 

The phone was sitting on the sink just in case someone bothered calling. So far she'd gotten a telemarketer and, much to her surprise, Alex. Alex Karev had attempted to make her feel better by telling her that both Shepherd and Sloan were assholes, and she deserved better. At the end of the conversation, in which she stared blankly at the phone in awe that Alex had bothered to call, he asked her if she wanted some pity sex. It was then that Meredith had hung up the phone, convinced that she would never tell Cristina or Izzie anything ever again. If it was only going to get around to Alex Karev, she'd just lay in George's bed at night and drawl on about her problems.

Or maybe she'd just take a real vow of celibacy. Or become a lesbian. There were some very hot women at Seattle Grace. She could get some good action in that department. But amidst all of these thoughts Meredith's mind saw fit to zero in on two particular people: Derek Shepherd and Mark Sloan. She still didn't know which one she would have picked had she had the choice. Maybe this was God's way of punishing her for sleeping with two guys at once. Or maybe this was God's way of saying that her life was just going to be hell for eighty more years. It just seemed to get better and better.

She was currently sitting in the bathtub, stomach growling in irritation that it hadn't been fed all day. Day old coffee was still brewing in her stomach. Meredith had a craving for tequila but she wouldn't touch the stuff. Despite the fact that she felt like shit and that she actually had the day off tomorrow, she was not going to get drunk over a man again. The last time she had tried that hadn't turned out so well. Instead Meredith crawled to the door and gently pushed it open. It was dark outside in the hallway; it was just passed eleven o'clock.

But there were voices coming from the den. There was a bluish glow coming from the television, but it seemed to be set on mute. "You think she's gonna be okay, Izzie?" George. He'd already been in the bathroom at least a dozen times today offering her anything from alcohol to a chic flick marathon. She'd refused them all and left George depressed and disappointed. Meredith thought about slipping into the kitchen while she was unnoticed but it was just too good to pass up listening to them talk about her.

"She will," Izzie answered between crunches. Meredith supposed they were eating part of the mound of baked goods they'd cooked up over the evening. "It'll take some time but she'll move on. Guys break up with you. It's life." Izzie paused and George sighed heavily. "Boys are really stupid. Sometimes I wonder why we don't all just fly off to an island and become a lesbian tribe." Meredith rolled her eyes lightly. George was laughing now.

Satisfied that she hadn't completely ruined her roommates' day she tiptoed into the kitchen and stole a carton of Ben and Jerry's from the freezer. It was strawberry, her favorite. Those two, she thought letting her gaze drift to the doorway. They went out to the store just to buy her strawberry ice cream. Meredith opened the fridge. And tequila. Snatching the bottle against her vow, she headed back to the bathroom. "Mere?" So close.

She cleared her throat loudly, pushing away the sound of crying. She knew they could both hear her crying from the bathroom all day but she at least had to make it look like she was feeling better or else they might call in a therapist or something. And according to Izzie therapists did not help coping mechanisms in the least. Meredith spoke, though her voice seemed far away, and raspy from lack of use. "I'm fine..."

"No, you're not," Izzie replied in a dry tone. "That's just what people say. It's just what you say to make people stop caring about you." Meredith was leaning against the wall for support again. Even though she knew Izzie and George were there for her if she needed them, even though she knew they wanted her to come to them, it just wasn't the same as having a man, a guy who loves you, to hold you in their arms and tell you everything's going to be all right. "But here's the thing, Meredith. We're not just the people you work with. We're your friends. That means we know when you're lying. And you're lying now."

Meredith knew she was lying. She wanted nothing more then to crawl into her bed and hide for twelve months. Of course, that would do wonders for her reputation, but at this point did it really matter? She was already an alone, adulterous whore, with no one but Ben and Jerry to love right now. "Meredith," George murmured in his kicked puppy voice. Dammit she had a soft spot for his kicked puppy voice. "Please just talk to us. Maybe we can help. Or at least help you share that ice cream..."

"You don't even like strawberry ice cream," Meredith mumbled as she slowly dragged herself into the den. She nearly collapsed onto the couch between George and Izzie. "You only bought it because it's my favorite." Meredith yanked the lid off the ice cream and plunged a spoon she had found wedged between the couch cushions into it. Swallowing a mouthful whole seemed to comfort her somewhat, because her expression calmed. The permanent frown turned into a painful grimace.

"Brain freeze," Izzie muttered seizing the bottle of tequila and taking a large gulp. She passed it to George and cleared her throat. "Okay, Mere, listen. You're not the only screwed up one here. Remember me, the pretty little model who fell in love with a patient and then cut his LVAD wire?" Meredith turned her head in Izzie's direction. She heard George's slow intake of breath beside her. "And how the guy I loved is gone now and how I have to go to counseling sessions five days a week?" She snatched the tequila and took another long drawl. "I'm not exactly normal. I'm screwed up, too. Maybe even more screwed up with you. You never know." Izzie shoved the bottle into George's hands. He gave her a bemused look and she simply glared at him. George took a slow sip before wiping his mouth with a sleeve.

"And remember me? I can't even tell the girl I care about I love her because I'm afraid of being hurt again and not meaning it. I can't even have a normal relationship without something going wrong. Plus, I kicked her out of my house. And I'm not sure she really likes you guys. I'm pretty sure she thinks I spend too much time with half-naked roommates." George paused, stealing the spoon from Meredith and shoving a spoonful of ice cream into his mouth. Swallowing hard he went on. "And," he shook his head to fight off the brain freeze, "My dad has cancer. Callie spelt with Sloan. I'm screwed up, too."

"We're all screwed up," Izzie muttered as Meredith pushed the ice cream away. Even Ben and Jerry weren't helping right now. The tequila was somewhat consoling, but by morning she'd be regretting that, too. "It's pretty much a general rule of life. If you're not totally screwed up, you're hiding something." Meredith snickered quietly. George and Izzie exchanged glances.

"Yeah, like Derek." The two waited with bated breath, unsure of how to respond to that. "He seemed so perfect. Until I found out he was married." Meredith took another swig of tequila. She had to admit sitting on a couch after a long day on the bathroom floor definitely felt better. She wasn't over the entire starting out with two men in the morning and ending up with none by nightfall thing. She was just pretty sure her tear ducts had dried up. "We're all screwed up," Meredith repeated between a yawn.

"Yeah," George murmured. "But at least we can be screwed up together." Meredith took comfort in the fact that while she wasn't in her lover's arms right now she had people that cared about her and Derek was probably alone in his trailer. Of course this brought images of Mark who was most likely with Addison and most likely doing some very nasty things. This put disturbing images in Meredith's head and she groaned aloud, obviously annoyed.

"I can't cry anymore," she stated to the quiet room. "I'm sad but I can't cry anymore. It's like I'm empty inside. I don't like that feeling." Meredith felt Izzie drape an arm around her shoulders and pull her closer. Meredith didn't fight it. Even if she wanted to she was far too tired to resist. She rested her head on Izzie's shoulder and sighed heavily. "When does the empty feeling go away?"

Izzie echoed her sigh. "I'll let you know when I feel full again." George looked lost. Unlike the two of them, he hadn't lost anyone he truly cared about, not really. He suddenly felt very lucky for himself, but his friends looked very sad right now. He pulled at a blanket and lay it atop the three of them and grabbed the remote. He turned on the TV, flipping through the channels before settling on some movie about a group of girls planning to kill a guy who had cheated on them. Somehow, this seemed appropriate.

"You guys okay?" He asked moments later. Meredith was fast asleep. Izzie put a finger to her lips.

"She's fine. Just all screwed up."

GA

The hospital was huge. It would be fairly simple to avoid Derek and Mark in a place that big, right? Normally, yes. But when you had a Resident, who seemed more interested in patients getting treated then the preferences of her interns, you ended up assigned to the exact person you didn't want to see. Or in this case _persons_. The one time Mark and Derek are assigned to the same case and they decide to agree to disagree, except on the issue of Meredith. Apparently they both wanted to talk or whatever. Meredith wanted nothing to do with either of them about now.

She was begging Izzie to come with her, but apparently she had yet another therapy session scheduled. Cristina was with Burke. George was with Webber. Alex was with The Ruler of All Things Evil. Everything appeared normal. But really, everything was all screwed up. The Shepherds' marriage was about to end, Mark was sleeping with Addison, and for the first time since the beginning of her internship Meredith Grey was not sleeping with an Attending. It must have been the apocalypse. Either she needed to make up with one of her previous men (not likely considering the circumstances) or she was going to make true to her vow and convert to being a lesbian. Maybe then she'd hook up with Addison. Then the entire love square would be complete, aside from Mark and Derek, which unless this really was the end of the world was not happening anytime soon.

As she entered the patient's room, she noted that neither of her bosses was there. Relief must've shown on her face because the patient, a young woman, smiled back at her. "Glad to see me this morning? I'm just lucky none of those sexy men came in here again. I might end up fainting again." Meredith couldn't help but grin lightly at this. Half the patients that came in and out of this place liked McDreamy. The other half had a thing for Mark.

"Good morning, Mrs. Lewis." She picked up the chart and read through it quickly, brow furrowing slightly. "You're coming in to have your spine straightened..." Mrs. Lewis's spine _did _look oddly curved. She suspected if she was to stand she would have an extremely hunched back. Meredith paused, frowning as she read through the last line. "And then...?"

"Then I'm having a breast reduction, yes." Mrs. Lewis seemed quite cheerful for someone who was just about to undergo a major surgery. "You think I'm crazy, don't you?" Meredith shook her head. She was obviously lying. The patient simply chuckled to herself, a smirk sliding onto her lips. "I've lived my entire life being uneven. My husband loved me no matter what. But I want to fix myself for him. I love him and when you love someone that much you want what they want." She paused, looking thoughtful. "I know he wants me to look normal even if he doesn't say so. I want what he wants. That's what love is, wanting the same things." Meredith must have been staring. "The breast reduction is actually more for me. They kind of droop because I'm always hunched over...I'd love to be able to wear a B cup..."

Meredith shook her head slowly before setting the chart down. "Where is your husband exactly?" She would really like to meet this guy. He obviously loved his wife and he seemed like just the kind of man to prove to Meredith that there were decent men left in the world today. Mrs. Lewis chuckled.

"He's not here. He doesn't know I'm doing this. It's a surprise." The patient inhaled deeply, a far off look in her eyes. "I don't want him to be here. Just in case..." Meredith bit the inside of her lip slightly. She could just tell that this woman, who she knew was younger then she was, had found love. She could just see it in her eyes. And quite frankly there was a question burning to be answered. Meredith just didn't know if she should ask it. It was personal, and the last time she'd asked the question, though she couldn't remember it clearly, she had gotten a very straightforward answer. Meredith wasn't sure if she could handle straight answers right now. She needed someone to lie to her and tell her she'd be fine.

But she wasn't fine. And she did need the answer to this question. "How do you know?" Meredith inhaled sharply. "How can you tell?" Mrs. Lewis looked puzzled, staring at the IV in her arm.

"Excuse me?" She paused laughing as she shook the arm with the fluid flowing into it. "Either these drugs are really getting to me or I have no idea what you're talking about." Meredith closed her eyes before leaning back against the wall.

"How do you know..." She paused, rethinking her question and letting her eyes snap open. "How can you tell...When the right person comes around, do you know?" Mrs. Lewis titled her head slightly to the side. Meredith edged toward the door. This was a personal question, too personal for a patient. She should just ask one of her friend. Oh, right, none of her friends were in love. She thought Izzie was once. But given the circumstances, Izzie might not be the prime candidate for talking love. "Sorry," Meredith whispered as she exited the room, mentally scolding herself for thinking to ask a patient something like that. She was a surgeon. She was supposed to be professional.

"Doctor Grey." She turned around, backtracking into Mrs. Lewis's room. She poked her head in cautiously. "You don't." Meredith felt her eyebrows furrow. "You don't really know you're in love when it starts. It evolves, kind of like how anger gets stronger. That's how love is. But there are some signs of being in love with someone..." Meredith inched back into the room, curious. "There are three that I know of."

"Denial."

She'd done that.

"Jealousy."

She'd felt that.

"Hate."

She was in the process of doing that. Wait. To love someone you had to hate them? "Hate?" Meredith muttered rubbing her temples slightly. "You hated your husband?"

"Before I knew he was going to be my husband, yes. He made me hurt, Doctor Grey. I hated him." Mrs. Lewis looked thoughtful. "Or I thought I hated him. Maybe it was just a way to hide the fact that I loved him." Meredith leaned against the doorframe, thoughts processing in her mind a mile a minute. Her heart had sped up, probably because she was just trying to piece the puzzle of her emotions together. She shouldn't have asked a patient. She didn't need to know the answer. Now she wanted to figure out if she'd ever loved before, if she'd ever love again. "But the biggest sign is that when he hurt I hurt. If you hurt after you hurt him, you care about him."

She'd done that, various times came to mind. "And how do you know if he loves you back?"

Mrs. Lewis gave a wry smile. "You ask and hope to God he says he feels the same way about you." Meredith looked thoughtful for a moment before pushing off from the doorway; someone was trying to get into the room. She stepped aside to let the doctor enter, slightly startled when she made eye contact with Derek. It had been two days, but still it was the first time she'd seen him, and he her. He looked like he hadn't been getting enough sleep, and she wondered if that frown was permanent. She also wondered why her heart felt like it was going to explode from beating so fast.

"Thank you, Mrs. Lewis. I'll be back to check on you later." The patient stared from the intern to Doctor Shepherd and back again.

"No problem, Doctor Grey."

Meredith sidestepped Derek and left the room, calling back, "You can call me Meredith!"

She was racing down the hallway now. She needed to find Cristina, or Izzie, or George for all she cared. Meredith needed to find _someone _to drag into the bathroom and tell about the indicators of love and the big one. She needed to talk to someone, spill the excess of thought in her mind to anyone just so it was off of her chest and out of her head. She needed someone's opinion, and she wouldn't trust just anyone with that burden. She would trust those three, and to a point she'd trust Alex. But she was fairly certain that all Alex would say was that he'd never been in love and wouldn't know anything about it. Besides, she didn't think he'd be as willing as George to duck into the women's bathroom.

Meredith had been on a beeline toward the nurse's station. Then someone stepped into view, heading in her direction. Her heartbeat sped up considerably as Mark neared her. Eyes darting about wildly she slid into the nearest room and locked the door. Meredith could've sworn she heard Mark's breathing outside, like he was leaning against the door and trying to get her to come out. Or maybe she was just hearing the breathing of the only other person in the on-call room.

"Doctor Grey."

"...Doctor Montgomery. Shepherd. Montgomery. Addison." God, that woman really needed to settle on a permanent name.


	8. Chapter 8: Everyone Hurts

**Rogue: I believe in a previous chapter Derek mentioned something about Meredith and Addison being alike in so many ways. I think it'd be great if they eneded up being friends. Anyway, next chapter, named after an R.E.M. song.**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Grey's Anatomy. If I did I would totally know what Shonda was talking about during Oprah today.

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"Montgomery," Addison agreed, voice holding a twinge of regret. Or maybe Meredith was imagining that. It wouldn't be the first time. She stared blankly at Doctor Montgomery-Shep- let's just stick with Addison. Meredith hovered at the door for a moment before moving to turn the knob and leave; the last time she'd walked in on Addison in the on-call room (she hadn't technically 'walked' in but she'd heard them) she'd been with Derek. This was the same on-call room. She wagered it was pretty awkward for Addison to sit on the bed staring at her soon-to-be-ex-husband's ex-dirty-mistress. Or whatever. "You don't have to go. You were probably only trying to escape the testosterone." 

Sitting in a dark on-call room was not on the top of Meredith Grey's to-do list. In fact, it wasn't even on her list. But judging by the fact that she could distinctly hear Mark's voice from the other side of the door, and because that voice was soon joined by Derek, she wasn't going out there anytime soon. Not unless she wanted to get apologized to, or hit on, or punched in the jaw by a very stoic looking Addison...Montgomery. "Boys are stupid." Meredith finally caved. She slid down the wall into a seated position, chin resting on her knees. Her gaze wandered the room briefly. It was slightly disturbing to think that probably everyone in the hospital, including her mother and the chief, had probably done it in this room. Then she supposed it _was_ a hospital and it _was_ sterile. And yet syphilis outbreaks were common on the surgical floor.

"But we still run to them whenever the littlest thing goes wrong." Meredith groaned into her arms. Why did Addison have to choose now to be totally blunt? That was so true on so many levels. It wasn't even funny how true that was, especially in Meredith's case. Even after the two men she'd been seeing had left her she didn't want her friends or Ben and Jerry's to comfort her. What Meredith had wanted was a pair of strong arms to hold her and tell her everything was going to be all right even if it wasn't.

"Why do we do that?" Meredith wondered, causing Addison to give a low chuckle. The intern shot her companion a quizzical look. What about this insane love square was at all comical, besides the fact that here the two women were hiding from the two men who were having a conversation, most likely about them, outside the door?

"Estrogen," Addison answered dully. " Estrogen makes us want guys. Testosterone makes them sex-crazed. Hormones are just there to make our lives hell, unless of course you happen to marry a guy who you love and end up spending the rest of your life with." She paused, allowing herself to bask in the complete hell that was her life for a brief moment. That left Meredith to thinking, which considering the issue of her thoughts running wild lately was not necessarily a good thing. As she sat on the floor looking up at Addison, she felt a pang of guilt. Addison had loved Derek. She had definitely loved Derek and she, Meredith, was partially responsible for the marriage falling through. She wasn't the sole cause, Mark was part of it even more so now, but she _was_ part of the reason. She _was_ an adulterous whore, a dirty mistress, the slutty intern.

None of that really seemed to bother her until right now. Sure, it bothered her that Derek was married and it bothered her that he had chosen Addison but her own actions, the fact that she'd taken part in completely ruining two lives, was just hitting her now. Watching Addison fussing with her ring finger, which she noticed was naked for the first time since she could remember, Meredith felt guilty. Addison might have looked fine on the outside while she was attending to patients but according to inside sources, namely her gossip-hungry fellow interns, she knew very well that Doctor Montgomery took to hiding in random corners of the hospital and crying her eyes out.

That was exactly what Meredith had been planning on doing right now. If Addison wasn't in this room, glaring at the ceiling, she would be sobbing. Actually, lately, Meredith had been doing a lot of crying. But that was healthy, right? Making yourself cry wasn't a sign of weakness. Pain was weakness leaving the body. Crying was a way of getting rid of pain. She was _trying_ to fix herself, here. And then she had to go and ask a patient what love was. And now she was completely confused again.

"I didn't know," Meredith blurted. She really needed to learn to control her thoughts from coming out of her mouth. Addison turned her head slightly in her direction.

"Didn't know what?"

Meredith flinched slightly. Addison didn't sound particularly friendly right now. Then again she was going through a divorce. She wouldn't be normal again until after this went through, probably until after Derek left for New York. Meredith's throat clenched at the prospect. Derek was not going to New York. "I didn't know he was married."

"Oh, God, Grey." Addison sounded exasperated. She'd been sprawled out on her back, trying to burn a hole in the wall with her gaze. When she turned to Meredith, swinging her legs over the bed and staring her down, it was all too obvious the toll divorce had taken on Addison Montgomery. There were deep bags under her eyes and her face seemed permanently stained from tear tracks. When she spoke her voice seemed rough and unused, and yet she still managed to find an ounce of compassion to share with this intern. "Meredith, can I call you Meredith?"

She blinked. It was kind of weird, she supposed, to walk around calling each other Doctors Grey and Montgomery when they shared so much in common, including past lovers. "Yeah."

"Meredith," Addison continued, rubbing her temples slowly, "I don't blame you for what happened, okay? Stop thinking I hate you because guess what? I don't. I do not hate you." Meredith blinked. That was news to her. A while back she had been friends with Addison by marriage. Since then, things had just seemed to spiral downhill. "It's not your fault Derek did what he did. I don't even blame _Derek_ for what he did." Addison then did something that to Meredith seemed very strange. She laughed. In between twisting her empty ring finger Addison laughed. "I blame me. And Mark probably shouldn't have agreed to anything. But I blame me for what happened. I blame me for breaking and for sleeping with Mark. I blame me for Derek leaving. Hell, I blame me for your and Derek's relationship not working out."

Meredith inhaled deeply. Throughout this entire conversation she had been staring anywhere but at Addison. Inside she was feeling very dark and twisty. Inside she felt very guilty for ever hating Addison. Because really, even though if Addison had never existed, her problems would be few and far between, Addison and Meredith were very alike. Too alike, really. "And Meredith?" She looked up. "I'm sorry that it's not working out between you and Derek." Maybe not so alike. Meredith didn't think she'd ever be able to admit something like that.

"I'm sorry for sleeping with your, uh, Mark." Meredith bit her lip. Addison gave a dull chuckle.

"That's Mark. He gets irritable when he goes without sex for too long." An awkward sort of silence fell over the two of them. Meredith looked up just when Addison rolled back to stare at the ceiling. Meredith sighed slightly, massaging her forehead with her fingers.

"Could I ask you something?" Addison turned her head slightly. "It's kind of personal..."

"You can ask. I can't guarantee I'll answer."

Meredith took a deep breath. Suddenly her entwined fingers seemed very interesting. "When did you know, _really_ know that you loved Derek?" She could've sworn she felt the air become thicker. Maybe this wasn't exactly the best question to be asking your newly gained...friend...when the man you loved was quite possibly the same man that said friend just got over. "I just...I need to know. Need to know what love feels like."

"Love is a really complicated thing, Meredith," Addison replied slowly. The intern had resolved herself never to ask love-related questions to inappropriate people again. This was starting to get ridiculous. "It's a very strange emotion. You don't really feel the whole thing until something big happens, when your guy proposes to you or tells you he loves you for the first time. But you feel bits and pieces of it every day." Meredith sighed slightly. She didn't really feel very loveable right now. She felt kind of like a broken bobble head.

"The way your heart speeds up when he passes you in the hallway..."

Check.

"The way your throat clenches whenever he's mentioned in conversation..."

Check.

"The way you're really overprotective of his reputation."

Check.

"Or the way you shiver whenever he says your name (Check). They're all signs of love. You just have to be a smart enough person to realize that before it's too late." Addison sighed. Meredith felt herself echo the same sigh seconds later. "Did that help? I'm not the best with love advice. But you wouldn't remember that, anyway..."

"It helped. A lot." Meredith's forehead wrinkled. "Remember what?" Addison was saved the trouble of reliving the Meredith-high-on-morphine conversation by the ringing of a pager. She groaned, but gave a sort of relieved sigh when she found it was Meredith's. "I gotta go. Your ex...Doctors Shepherd and Sloan are ready for surgery. Apparently I'm the referee."

Addison gave a light grin. "Have fun with that. Just don't let them talk you into anything naughty..."

GA

Meredith was moving in slow motion. The surgery had been long. Six hours in and a clot in Mrs. Lewis's back decided to rupture. All she could remember was a lot of blood, some yelling, and then having to make an emergency run to the blood bank. But by the time she'd retrieved two bags of AB- it was too late. They'd lost Mrs. Lewis during the spinal surgery. Doctor Sloan didn't even have the chance to operate. And from what Meredith could gather from the chattering scrub nurses who were clearing away the equipment, Mr. Lewis was out in the waiting room. Apparently someone decided to let the cat out of the bag on the little surprise. Meredith's throat clenched. And now there was no surprise. What was worse, a man had lost the woman he loved.

"So are you going to tell him?" She muttered, staring steadily at the water as it flowed into the sink. Derek was standing next to her. It was the first civilized conversation they'd had since, well, you know. He looked tired, Meredith noted again. He nodded vaguely.

"Yeah, I'll talk to him." He moved to leave the room. Meredith hurriedly turned the faucet off and edged toward him. Derek looked slightly startled when she slid in front of the door, blocking his exit. "What are you doing, Meredith?" He sounded exasperated, tired. Derek never seemed tired during work before.

"I'm trying to realize something before it's too late," she stated softly, moving forward to place a hand on his chest. Meredith leaned forward, pressing her lips to his gently, softly, as if asking him to respond if he was feeling anything. For a moment there was nothing, and she pulled away feeling more then slightly embarrassed. "Um, if you're going to talk to Mr. Lewis, I'd like to-" She was cut off by Derek's fierce kiss, literally cutting off the oxygen to her lungs before she had the sense to open her nose and breathe. He pulled back, and Meredith half expected to see his eyes retain their usual young glow but if anything Derek looked hungry.

"Derek- what is this?" He lunged forward, pushing her body against the wall and kissing her again. Meredith kissed back, wrapping her arms around his neck. He was tracing circles on her back. She had a hand entangled in his hair. "What are we doing here?"

"Not talking to the patient's family, that's for sure." The two broke apart almost instantly. That voice was very familiar. That voice belonged to Doctor Sloan. Mark eyed Meredith for a brief moment before turning his gaze to Derek and nodding slowly. "I think it'd be best if he heard the news from the neurosurgeon. That'd be you." Derek shuffled out of the room with a sort of bemused grin upon his face. Meredith hovered near the wall messing with her hair. This certainly was awkward. "Didn't know you forgave so easily, Grey." Mark studied her for a moment before shrugging lightly. "Mr. Lewis also said he'd like to thank the young lady who talked to his wife before surgery. Apparently you convinced her to tell him about the 'surprise' after all." Meredith's heart sank. She was the reason Mrs. Lewis talked to her husband? That made her feel oddly happy and guilty at the same time.

"I have to talk to him," Meredith muttered under her breath. She left the scrub room without another word, leaving a slightly bewildered Mark behind her. She walked briskly down the hallway, desperately wishing she could catch up with Derek before he gave Mr. Lewis the news. No dice. Derek had at least two minutes gain on her. Once she reached the waiting room Meredith gave it a quick scan. She didn't even see Derek, but her gaze landed on a guy who looked roughly like he was in between sophomore and junior year in college. That was him, Meredith knew. He didn't look sad or depressed. He looked anxious. Meredith cast a glance about. Where the hell was Derek?

Ignoring her better judgement, Meredith hurried across the room and slid into an empty seat alongside the prospective Mr. Lewis. "Are you waiting for surgery results?" She heard her voice as if from far away. He nodded, giving a light smile.

"Are you Meredith? My wife told me you were the one who made her see that love didn't have secrets." Mr. Lewis paused giving a low chuckle. "I don't know what you said to her, but she really likes you. I'd like it if you monitored her when I'm not around. I have school, you know, and can't be here the whole time she recovers, but I'll be here as much as I can. Can I see her now?" Meredith must have been avoiding his gaze. He remained silent for a moment before she looked up, a frown etched on her face. "Oh, God..."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Lewis...There was a complication. Your wife had a blood clot in her spine. It ruptured before we could remove it." He was breathing heavily. He buried his face in his hands. Meredith rubbed her temples lightly. "Doctor Shepherd did everything he could. She just lost too much blood." He was crying softly into his knees. Meredith choked back her own tears. She was too emotional at the moment already. She didn't need to cry about a patient. She shouldn't have gotten involved at all. She should've known better, especially after Denny. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

Mr. Lewis looked up as Meredith stood up. If she stayed here any longer, she was sure she'd breakdown, and the last thing this man needed was for her to start crying in the middle of the waiting room. She was the doctor for God's sake! "I'm glad you were the one to tell me about my wife," he murmured softly. Meredith bit her lip. "And whatever you're struggling with, your love issues, I'm sure you'll work it out. My wife was always a good judge of character..." Meredith nodded blindly and turned around. She needed to get out of here. She needed to go somewhere and be alone.

That's what she _needed_. What she _wanted_ to do was find Derek. Wasn't it his job to tell the patients' families the news, good or bad? She was only an intern! She wasn't supposed to have to take charge of his cases! And she certainly wasn't supposed to be left alone to tell the news especially when he'd just said he was going to tell Mr. Lewis that his wife had just died. Where was Derek anyway? She knew. He was in that damn longue, probably getting a cup of coffee before going down to give the news. Derek Shepherd and his coffee. She rolled her eyes lightly before taking the stairs two at a time and arriving panting slightly outside of the longue.

Meredith pushed the door open a little harder then she would've liked. "Derek?" She called dully, stepping inside. Sure enough there he was, sipping from a steaming cup of coffee. "What the hell are you doing? You said you were going to talk to Mr. Lewis!" Derek set his cup down and held his hands up in a retreating gesture.

"Easy, Meredith. I was just going to head down there now." He cocked his head slightly to the side. Meredith was blinking back tears. The last few days had not been easy on Meredith Grey. The death of a patient certainly didn't ease the pain and stress. "Hey, you okay?" Oh, yeah, she was fine. She was just crying for no reason.

"I just had to tell a twenty-one year old that his wife died," Meredith managed, voice shaking slightly. "I just had to tell a man the woman he loved is dead. No, Derek, I'm not okay. That's not my job. My job is to learn from you. And I don't think after a patient dies you're supposed to make a coffee run. You're a bad influence, Derek, you know that?" He stared at her. She stared back. Why was he looking at her like she'd cussed him out? She hadn't even sworn at him. Had she?

"Are you implying something?" Meredith was confused. She had been talking about this being his job. Since when had she been implying anything? Derek shook his head slowly before picking up his cup again. "We're doctors, Meredith. Patients die every day. You can't get attached to them. It's a job just like any other. We save lives. But we can't save everyone. If you're going to be a surgeon, you need to learn how to let someone down." He headed for the door.

"No, Derek, you don't get it. Mrs. Lewis knew more about life, about love then you or I every could. She told me what I needed to know. She was in love, Derek, and now she left the man she loved alone, with no one." Derek simply stared at her.

"Like I said, we're surgeons. We can't get attached. You shouldn't make relationships with them, at least not until post-op." He took a sip of his coffee. "I'm going to see if he's still down there. You just...stay here and calm down." Calm down? Meredith did not need to calm down. What she needed was someone to tell her it was all going to be okay. What she needed was someone to hold her in their arms and tell her it was all right, and that just because one love died there were still other loves in the world. Love was still alive. Derek left. She was alone. No one was there to hold her and whisper that everything was going to be okay now.

Love certainly felt dead.


	9. Chapter 9: My Favorite Accident

For the moment it felt good to just sit on the floor of the hospital and stare blankly at the floor. At least here it was safe. There was no threat of accidental sex or make out sessions that would end with her alone, sitting on the floor, staring at the floor. Meredith's head was full to the brim of thoughts, all pouring out in tears. When she cried it felt like the weight of her brain was relieved. So she cried. She didn't quite know why she was crying, but she cried. And it felt kind of good to cry.

Though she managed to expel the thoughts of useless things such as fortune cookies and stress balls, Meredith seemed set on autopilot somehow. Her mind could get rid of all the annoying little facts it wanted, which on a normal day would actually probably be a good thing, but it kept lingering on things such as how to tell when you were in love. Or Derek. Derek seemed to be her brain's favorite subject lately.

While on the subject of Derek, Meredith had realized one thing: she loved Derek Shepherd. Both Addison's and Mrs. Lewis's lists fit her to a tee. Though everything that had happened Meredith always had the sneaking suspicion that she wanted Derek to be The One. She'd even fantasized about how they would spend the rest of their lives together, end up in a nursing home, and maybe when they were both in the elevator at the same time push that emergency stop button. No one said you couldn't have fun after you were eighty years old, did they? She loved Derek Shepherd.

But the one question haunting her mind was, did he love her back? A week or so ago that would have been an easy question to answer. A week ago Derek was in her bathtub. A week ago they'd been taking it slow. Derek didn't do slow very well, apparently. Instead of waiting for her to be ready for happy reunion sex he went off with his soon-to-be-ex-wife and had some depressing separation sex. Or something. He was seventeen years old. They were all seventeen years old. Time stops. They were socially retarded. And as a seventeen-year-old guy Derek wanted to get as much sex as possible and, had Mark not slept with his wife, Meredith would wager Derek would've gone running off to his best friend to brag about it. That was just how men, namely the men in this hospital, were.

Meredith was pulled from her thoughts by a shrill beeping. Ripping her pager off of her waistband, she groaned outwardly. Tilting her head forward she moved into a crouched position on her heels and used her hand to steady herself. Pulling her gaze from the floor Meredith dragged herself to a standing position, and after snatching a cup of coffee exited the longue. Bailey wanted her for case files again. She was sure news of the entire 'Meredith's having a nervous breakdown' episode had already spread throughout the surgical floor. Gossip spread like wildfire around here. God, it really was just like high school.

She took her time going down the hallway, sipping her coffee casually and relishing the warm feeling that spread throughout her body. She'd been cold for a few days now and even if only for a brief moment that warmth felt good. Meredith made to push the elevator button when the doors flicked open. A stream of people trickled out and she slipped in. There was one other person in the elevator. Meredith did her best to ignore him, simply drinking her coffee and examining her shoelaces. She suspected he was supposed to get out on this floor anyway; this was where his favorite longue was, but upon seeing her he decided against coffee and for the elevator. After all, hot make out sessions in the elevator were her thing.

"Meredith," he stated, saying her name slowly, dragging it out. She looked up, at him, and then at the floor. "Would you just listen to me? Seriously." Meredith glanced up, fumbling her coffee between her hands to have something to do. In this situation if she didn't have something to do, she'd end up on the floor of this elevator naked. And even though her heart was beating at twice the rate of a normal person that was not what she wanted right now. Not really. "I'm sorry. About my insensitivity about the patient. It's just easier for me not to get attached. I've been doing this longer then you have. Sorry." God, why was he apologizing?

"Stop apologizing to me, Derek," Meredith hissed in a low tone. Out of the corner of her eye she saw him edge closer to her. Her voice normally didn't take on this kind of tone when talking to him. Derek tilted his head slightly to one side. "Stop apologizing for things you're not sorry for. I _know_ I'm not supposed to get involved with patients. You shouldn't apologize for that." She sighed slightly, looking up and catching his gaze. "Don't apologize for doing it with Addison when you're not. You wanted it. She wanted it." Meredith bit her lip slightly. "And don't apologize for hurting me ever again. Because every time you apologize, you just turn around and hurt me again. So just. Stop. Apologizing."

"Meredith I-"

"Don't talk," she cut him off. Meredith couldn't look at him. Every time she looked at him she wanted to do something naughty in the elevator. And yeah, deep in the back of her mind she did want to do something naughty in the elevator, but before that happened some things had to be set straight. "Whenever you talk, I either end up in your pants or on the floor crying. I've done enough crying today," She sipped at her coffee casually, as if they were having a conversation about the weather. "And right now I do _not_ want to get in your pants. I don't." She did.

"You don't," Derek agreed in a slightly bemused tone. He was on the other side of the elevator. By now they had to be near the main floor of the surgical unit. Meredith took another sip of her coffee, closing her eyes as she brought the steaming cup to her lips. Out of nowhere she felt herself drop the cup of coffee in surprise. His lips were pressed on hers. He had her backed against the wall. For a moment Derek simply continued his deep, forceful kiss. If Meredith had known better, if she wasn't a victim of love, she probably would've pushed him away.

Unfortunately, you can't exactly _choose_ to be a victim of love. Derek pulled back, breathing slightly uneven and a question held in his eyes. His hair was falling into his face in the most adorable way, though Meredith wished she didn't think so. "Meredith," he started, though the rest of his sentence was completely muffled by her own mouth covering his. She'd thrown her weight into her assault, and managed to push him across the elevator to the other side. Now he was on the bottom, pressed against the wall. He was sure to jerk the emergency stop knob out, just in case.

His eyes widened slightly, though Derek soon eased into it, kissing back and running his hands through her hair, she with her arms around his neck. When they pulled apart, he brought one hand to her cheek and ran a finger along it, wiping away the trail of dry tears that stained her face. Meredith threw herself at him, soothed by the fact that he wrapped his arms around her and kissed the top of her head gently. Here she was, safe in a man's arms. "It'll be okay." And he'd said it. So why was she still unsure? Her head was resting on his chest, and though her rapid heartbeat was ringing in her ears she was almost certain she could hear his, slow and even. Was this just routine to him? Did he really enjoy this? Or was this just some sort of...fling?

Meredith pushed herself away slightly, still gripping his arms and looking up at him. "Derek." He was placing a string of kisses along her neck. "Derek." He was nuzzling against her neck. "Derek..." He was giving her teasing pecks on the cheek. "Derek!" He pressed his lips firmly to hers. This time Meredith didn't kiss back. She broke the bond and pushed him away, staring deep into his eyes for the first time in what felt like forever. "Listen to me, okay? This is important."

He'd brought a hand to his lips and was running his fingers over them. "Okay." He leaned back against the wall. Meredith pulled at his shirt collar, bringing his face dangerously close to his. She fought the urge to kiss him as her forehead touched Derek's. He had this sort of silly grin on his face. He probably thought she was going to attack him again.

"I have to ask you a question, and I want you to answer honestly."

"Okay."

Meredith inhaled deeply, eyes closing as she spoke. "Do you love me?" Silence filled the elevator. Ten seconds passed, thirty, a minute. She dropped her grip on his arms and eased back a step. A fake sort of smile was plastered on her face and as she talked, her voice sounded high-pitched and squeaky. "That's fine. I just needed to know." She moved her arm to try and yank at the emergency stop knob. If she stayed in here for any longer, she was afraid she'd end up suffocating; she was holding her breath waiting for his answer after all, and it felt like she hadn't let it out even though she did. Meredith wondered if this was what a real broken heart felt like, to _know_ the guy you loved didn't love you back.

He grabbed her wrist and kept it away from the knob. "Meredith," Derek murmured pulling her closer to him. She resisted, even cried out for him to stop. "Shh. It'll be okay. Calm down, okay?" Now, when she'd pictured Derek holding her in his arms and telling her everything would be okay, she always imagined that it_ would_ all be okay. She never imagined it like this.

"Derek, no," she growled between hiccups. "I don't want this anymore. If you don't love me then I'm wasting my time." Meredith was talking over the wails that wanted so very much to escape her mouth. She shook them off and continued. "Because you know what, Derek? I love you. But I don't want to love someone who doesn't love me back. I don't want this. I don't want it." Even as she struggled, he wouldn't let her go. He held her close and whispered in her ear.

"I don't know, Meredith. I thought I knew what love was..." Meredith gave a shrill laugh. Yeah, he thought he loved Addison, and maybe he did, but he hurt her, too. "But I don't. And I don't want to tell you something if I don't know if it's true. Can't you understand that?" She extended their arms to their full length, using them as a barrier between them.

"I understand that if you really love someone you know even when you don't." She could just feel Derek's bemused stare on her. She was staring at the ceiling, head tilted back. "All I know is that there are three signs to love. Denial, jealousy, and hate. I've denied loving you, I've bene jealous of you and Addison, and," Meredith gave another of her shrill laughs, "I've definitely hated you. I didn't know I loved you when I did, but I did love you. But apparently you don't love me."

"Meredith-"

She kept talking over him. "My heart speeds up whenever you're around. My throat clenches whenever you're _mentioned_ in conversation. I try to defend your reputation. And I shiver _every time _you say my name. If you loved me, you'd know. You wouldn't have to think about it. You'd just know." Derek dropped his grip on her wrist. She pushed the emergency stop knob back in; the elevator began to move. She slid across the elevator and leaned her forehead against the wall. It felt cool to the touch, and eased the throbbing of her head. The doors zipped open and she hurriedly exited the elevator, feeling considerably lighter -and just as sad- as when she'd entered.

"Goodbye, Meredith," she'd heard him mutter as the doors closed.

"Goodbye, Derek..."

GA

As much as she hated filling out post-op forms, Meredith had to agree that had she been put on a case today she'd be considerably distracted. Even as she sat here, halfway through a box of French chocolates from the gift shop, she wasn't focused at all. She wasn't filling out the forms correctly, but it didn't really matter. Bailey always ended up having someone rewrite the post-op forms as punishment. It was just a way to keep emotionally unstable people from accidentally murdering patients. Meredith wanted girl talk. She needed girl talk. Or George. George was a good listener. But, again, she was sure everyone was busy. It was the middle of the day after all.

Turning her attention to the empty cappuccino Cristina had dropped off with her after the news of McDreamy and the adulterous whore breaking it off, Meredith groaned. She needed caffeine. She needed rejuvenated. She also had a particularly odd craving for Oreos coated in peanut-butter, but she supposed that was just a random side effect of feeling empty inside. Feeling empty made you want to fill yourself up with very strange things, all including some amount of sugar or caffeine.

She scribbled down something about a patient's father's mother's maiden name and snorted. Why did the hospital really need to know this? This only added to Meredith's suspicion that most forms, including the ones patients' families were forced to fill out, were only there to distract them and shut them up. That's what Bailey had wanted to do with Meredith today, distract her from her nonexistent love life and shut her up.

When a fresh cup of coffee slid down the desk's counter, she gratefully scooped it up and took a huge gulp, surprised that it was made just the way she liked it. When Meredith looked up to thank whoever had brought it, she was thinking probably George or Izzie since she tasted a shot of tequila in it, she nearly dropped the cup. "Mark," she stuttered lamely, setting the coffee down and hurriedly scrawling a social security number down, "What are you doing?"

He seemed somewhat subdued from his usual, sex-you-up, McSteamy look, hot grin self. Mark heaved a long sigh before leaning back against the desk, and glancing over his shoulder. "I was trying to give a girl some coffee. Is that illegal now?" He arched a brow slightly before turning his attention back to the hallway. He caught Alex Karev heading in the general direction of the pediatric unit. "Karev, you working with Montgomery?"

Alex stiffened considerably. Meredith knew he was swearing under his breath. He turned, a strange sort of grimace glued on his face. "Yeah. Why, you want me to tell her to meet you in the on-call room later?" Alex sounded particularly annoyed today. Maybe the saying about bad moods being contagious really was true. Mark gave a dull chuckle.

"Yeah, right. I just wanted to know if she was up there or-"

"Why don't you ask her yourself?" Alex murmured with a hint of amusement in his voice. He turned and headed back down the hallway just as Addison materialized out of a nearby patient's room. Mark stiffened considerably before wheeling around and draping his arms over the counter.

"Talk to me," he muttered out of the side of his mouth. Meredith looked up from her forms, a quizzical expression on her face. She let her gaze wander to Addison and she arched a brow.

"Excuse me?"

"Talk to me, Grey." Mark looked panicked. Why did Mark look panicked? And why was he avoiding Addison? They were together. This was starting to make less sense every second. When he next spoke he gave a hearty laugh before speaking loudly, so the entire floor could hear. "Yeah, those ferryboats are really annoying." Then he winked. Meredith was officially confused.

"Ferryboats?" She muttered setting her pen down and taking a large sip from her spiked coffee. "Yeah, ferryboats are really...weird. Even though Seattle's surrounded by water on three sides." Addison passed the nurses' station without a word, though her curious stare lingered on Meredith, or maybe she was staring at Mark, for a moment before she disappeared down the hallway. Mark gave a relieved laugh before stealing the coffee he had brought and taking a large gulp.

"Hey! I thought you brought that for me?"

"I did," he murmured wiping his mouth with a sleeve and sliding the cup back along the counter toward Meredith. She stared at him for a brief moment before downing the cup, much to Mark's surprise. "You really like caffeine, huh?"

"And you really like talking about Derek, which is really annoying," Meredith murmured, now focused on finishing this form. Her eyes ran back and forth along it as she filled in random questions, knowing that Mark was staring at her the entire time. This was all starting to fell _very_ familiar. "So, what are you doing here anyway? I thought you and Addison were all made up."

"I thought you and Derek were," Mark responded easily. Meredith looked up through narrowed eyes. He stared steadily back. There was a very strange look in his eye, she noticed, something she'd seen once before. He was hurting inside and Meredith thought she knew why. She was hurting inside, too, but for a totally different reason. They weren't hurting because of _that_. They were hurting because of love. But not for each other. This was complicated.

"Addison left me," Mark finally blurted out. Meredith tilted her head slightly to the side. "She said I reminded her too much of what she'd lost. It sucks that love isn't always forever, huh?" She heaved a sigh before pushing her box of chocolates in his direction. He selected one and popped it into his mouth.

"Yeah. It's not really fair."

"You know, you weren't just a fling."

She studied him for a moment. "I've heard that before, yeah." Mark gave a light grin before snatching another of her chocolates. She rolled her eyes lightly, more then slightly surprised when he popped the candy into her mouth. Meredith chewed thoughtfully. What exactly was going on here?

"You know it actually hurt me to leave you in the longue." Mark paused, looking thoughtful. "It's never really hurt for me to leave a girl before. It hurt to be left, but that only happened once. I've always been kind of a fast guy. I mean, how else would I get the nickname McSteamy?" Meredith felt herself blush lightly. Why was she blushing?

"Okay, Mark." She set aside her forms and the chocolate. "What exactly are you trying to say?" Again, Meredith was reminded of the fact that her heartbeat had sped up and that there was a lump in her throat and that lump was not from the chocolate lodged in her esophagus, either.

"I think I'm trying to ask you something." Mark paused, tapping his chin lightly as if in thought. Meredith turned her attention to a particularly interesting painting behind him. She felt a sudden electric shock as Mark pressed his lips to hers. It was too quick for her to kiss back, but after he pulled away with a pouty sort of question in his eyes she stared at him.

She did not like Mark Sloan.

Denial.

"I could always beg Addison to take me back if you want." Meredith didn't want that. That stupid bubbling sensation was filling her stomach again.

Jealousy.

"You know you want some of this."

Hate.

Oh, what the hell. Maybe she _was_ in love with Mark Sloan. She'd just have to give it a chance. Leaning forward in her chair Meredith tangled her fingers with his hair. She kissed him forcefully, and he kissed back. When she pulled back, she was wearing a sort of satisfied smirk. "This would have been so much easier if we just stayed home that day after the bar."

"Yeah..."

"Meredith?" She turned at the voice, slightly annoyed. Derek was standing at the other side of the nurses' station. At first she felt guilty, but then she remembered their latest conversation. She stood, coming around to the opposite side of the station and appearing alongside Mark.

"Derek, I _did_ love you, but I don't anymore. I'm moving on." She slipped her hand into Mark's and tilted her head slightly to the side. "So, got any cases you need help with?" As they began to walk away, Derek stared wide-eyed after them. Addison walked by and he grabbed her arm. Wordlessly, he pointed to Mark and Meredith.

"Oh, yeah. I broke it off with Mark this afternoon." Derek's jaw dropped. "And no, I will not give you pity sex." Alex Karev appeared behind Addison and started chattering about the premature baby that was having surgery that afternoon. Addison sighed slightly before heading to the nursery. Alex hovered alongside Derek for a moment, a smug smirk upon his face.

"Guess in the end you lost, eh Doctor Shepherd?"

"Karev!"

"I'm coming!"

Mark and Meredith watched this scene unfold from the top of the stairs. She leaned forward and planted her lips to his. He kissed back, and when she pulled away the chocolate that had been in her mouth was in his. He chewed for a moment before swallowing hard. "I'm glad you're here," Meredith murmured.

Mark smiled. "You know what I always say. Us dirty mistresses gotta stick together."

**

* * *

Rogue: If you know me at all you knew this was going to happen eventually. For this, my friends, is my world. And in my world McSteamy trumps McDreamy. Sorry for all of you MerDer fans but hey, at least I got you to read an entire story that ended up MerMark. **

**You all probably realize by now that Derek is not my favorite person. He's annoying to me. So he ended up alone in the end of my story. He's going to New York. He'll be fine. Anyway, I hope you all liked my story. I ended it pretty loosely. You can all imagine what's going to happen between those two...**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of these amazing characters. I do, however, own this story, Anatomy of a Divorce. And yes, people, the divorce has finally been finalized. x3**


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